On the Devil's Path {a SOA sequel}

Chapter twenty five

"When I saw you in the tub, McKayla I..." He couldn't finish.

New tears were falling steadily down his cheeks and it broke my heart. I could finally see for the first time how much this actually affected him. Jax took some deep breaths and wiped his face with the heels of his hands.

"When you first woke up, so you said you did it to make it easy for me. What did you mean?" He asked finally.

I swallowed hard. I had hoped that he would have forgotten that I said that but of course, he didn't. I peeked up at him through my lashes. He was searching my face for the answer and I knew it was now or never. I sighed and leaned back into the cupboard so I was looking at him.

"Because I know about Tara, Jax." I was proud of how strong my voice was.

His eyes doubled in size and he opened his mouth to say something. I wasn't finished yet.

"I overheard the two of you talking at Abel's party and I thought that if I was gone, it would be easier for you to be with Tara." I said. My voice was flat, almost emotionless.

Jax made a choked noise and shook his head violently.

"No, NO!" He shouted and jumped to his feet.

I gasped and felt myself jump. He tugged hard on his hair and paced around the kitchen.

"God dammit McKayla, I love you! You are the only person in this world that I ever want to be with. I don't fucking love Tara anymore, I haven't for a long time. I know that I fucked up and I have to live with that but if I lost you? McKayla, I swear to God I wouldn't be able to live." He wasn't yelling, but he was talking loudly.

His face was red and his blue eyes were clouding over in anger and frustration. I felt myself sliding up so I was standing and just watched him as he spoke. I knew that everything he was saying was true. I knew that he loved me and I could tell how torn apart he was just from the thought of me dying. What he wasn't telling me was how this was going to work out.

"I believe you Jax. I do. But, how am I supposed to compete with her?" I asked him seriously.

Jax shook his head and stopped pacing. He took two large strides and rested his hand on my cheek.

"Baby, there's no competition." He said softly.

I pulled away from him and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Jax, she has a part of you that I never will." I said. Annoyance laced in my voice.

He furrowed his eyebrows together and shook his head slowly. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.

"I-I can't have children, Jax." I said just above a whisper.

You could've heard a pin drop in the kitchen. I watched Jax's eyes change from confusion to sadness. When he didn't say anything, I took it as my cue to explain.

"One of the countless times that Derek raped me I ended up pregnant. He didn't want it and wouldn't give me the money to get a proper abortion. Instead he found a guy that would do it dirt cheap. It was like something out of a horror movie. We met him in an abandoned warehouse. He didn't even put me out. I ended up getting really sick and Derek had to take me to the ER. There was so much trauma that the doctor said I'd likely never be able to get pregnant."

I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I spoke. I had never told anyone about this, not even my parents. It was strange though. Talking about it made me feel like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Once I could look up at Jax, I realized that he was crying too. He bit down on his bottom lip and reached his hand out to me. I slipped my hand in his and he brought it too his mouth and pressed his lips to my knuckles.