Liam's Journal

6th July, 2016

                  

She's gone again...but it's not what you're thinking. She's gone out to...fuck! I don't even want to say it. It pisses me off too fucking much. This whole fucking day just...fuck's sake! It's not been good. I woke up this morning to hear Blue on the phone with her Mam. "Guess whose birthday it is!" She sounded so chipper and I didn't understand why. Nobody has a birthday in July as far as I know apart from our Gene. And Jules and him get on quite well, talking about roller coasters and that. Like just a while back she got him going with talk about that Cedar Park or whatever it's called. Fucking big, spinney rides to go on and make yer puke. It's not my bag, believe me. But now she's got Gene all excited asking if we can go and telling me I've no choice but to ride that one that drops you from three hundred fucking...no way! No fucking way are they going to get my arse on that. Or the one that's supposed to be like a racecar or summat. Fucking ninety degree angle on that one. They made me watch the videos! Blue insists you're up and down so quick you don't even have time to process owt. She says she don't even like it that much because it's so short. 19 seconds. The fuck would we go on it if it only lasts 19 fucking seconds and she says it's not all it's cracked up to be? Then there's the bit about their Halloween stuff. I don't mind Halloween but fuck! I know there'll be spiders. There's always fucking spiders. Real or fake, it don't matter. But that one in the bath the other day...that one was fucking real. Big, hairy cunt. Nearly pissed myself when I seen him. Blue claims she didn't. "You're full of shit, you!" She thought I were lying. But fuck knows I don't lie when it comes to spiders. Fuckin' hell! I've side tracked me self again. Can't even remember what the fuck I was...hang on a minute! Birthdays. Fucking July Birthdays. Who the fuck has a birthday in July that would have Blue nearly creaming her fucking...oh shit! I've got to stop for a second. Gather my thoughts and...it's really not hard to figure out. She was on the phone, smiling. She looked so happy as she was stood there waiting for her Mam's response. "Yes!" She screamed as she threw her hands up. Her Mam must've been as smart as she was. Or she just knew her daughter pretty well. I still haven't met her yet...and it's making me nervous. I don't think Jules told her family about us getting married. Well we're not married yet but. D'yer reckon her family goes on YouTube? I thought the videos were a good thing but then I realized they might fuck things up. But Blue doesn't seem too bothered so that must mean it'll all be okay. Well, except for this birthday bollocks anyway. I didn't need her to tell me the answer. Her face said it all. One mention of his fucking name and she's fucking on it, ready to roll. Rock and soul. Oh for fuck's sake! I shouldn't be so mean. He is the one who introduced her to me. Him and his lot. This story sounds so fucking old but maybe it's just 'cos she's told me it so many fucking times. Well it's his birthday today. Don't know if she'll wish him a happy one or not but. She met him. When we went to Milan. He started stirring shit just moments before I popped the question. Made her ask a bunch of questions. Was I still after the gear? I guess it weren't a bunch of questions. That one counted for fuck knows how many. I couldn't hide from it though. I knew she'd ask eventually. She don't touch the stuff and I don't either...at least not much anymore. Can't even remember the last time I did to be honest. I don't go out of me way to get high. The gear's all shit these days anyway. And I'm getting a bit too...well I'm not old! But it does get old after a while. And fucking exhausting. It's no fun being sick and needing a couple days to recover from it. It might've been years ago but now, I'd rather stay in with her at night. Where it's quiet and warm and she's got her books. Loads of fucking books and if I'm good, she'll read 'em to me. Puts me right to sleep, that. And while she's reading me summat...last time it was "Stonecrop". It's about this rabbit, right? Who spent his whole life as someone's pet. He went to join Hazel and that but they weren't too keen on him living in their warren because he smelled too much like a human. He ended up saving them though from a bunch of weasels. The weasels were scared of his smell. He saved the day, yeah? Just like I'm about to save music. Our Noel likes to think he's the last remaining rock star. Get to fuck! I'm just as good as he is. Fucking better, actually. Bet he don't even know who Richard Adams is. Our Blue's favorite author. If he has heard of the story, he'd probably bang on about how if he'd been one of the lot who left the Sandleford Warren, he'd make a good a Hazel. Again, get to fuck! If anyone's gonna be Hazel, it's gonna be me. I'm fucking smarter than he is. More cunning. And I'll be damned if he...I'm good enough for Bigwig too. And now I've lost track of where I fucking was! Anyway, while she's reading me summat she'll start stroking me jaw. She just knows how to fucking do it. Sometimes she adds in my earlobe as well and I'm fucking done for. My eyelids get well heavy and that's it. I'm out. Her voice gets softer and softer until it just fades away. How the fuck did I even get on this subject? Oh right. Him. She's loved him since she were thirteen. He's alright as a geezer I suppose but I really don't get what she sees in him. Fucking hooked nosed cunt, he is. And he used to have worse front teeth than our Noel. Well, almost anyway. Our Kid got pissed at me for the meth that time way back at the beginning. At least my teeth never got fucked up. He went on about it being like cheap speed but you didn't see me running about with a big gap in the front of me mouth. But I'm not fucking talking about him. I'm talking about him. And Jules is all giddy because today's his birthday. I don't even know if she's talked to him. As far as I know she hasn't seen him since we were in Milan. There's no fucking way he'd...but what if he did? What if he's rung her? Texted her? And what the fuck would she say if he did? She wouldn't lie to me. No. She wouldn't keep it a secret. There's nothing to be worried about. She's with me and he's got his own bird. He's had her for years. But Blue says he changed her life. His band. More than Oasis ever could. She'd rather see a reunion of his band than...fuck off! Why does it sting so fucking much? Hang on a minute...what the fuck...what the fuck is this? I shouldn't be snooping around in her nightstand. She's got one and I've got the other but. What the fuck is his picture doing in here?! He looks like a fucking twat! The fuck's he supposed to be? A model or summat? Looks like a right cunt. And his hair is fucking dreadful. And them fucked up teeth. Put our Noel right to shame. What the fuck does she see in him? I've got scarves like that. And jackets. And belts. And...but summat tells me it's nothing to do with clothes. She won't fucking tell me though. She just won't fucking...oh my God! I've fucking figured it out! Well, not what she sees in him or whatever but why his picture's in her fucking...I shouldn't be doing this. I should put this fucking picture back where I found it. I'm not pissed at her. I just can't fucking...I've never seen her do it. Maybe she doesn't even do it. Nah that's not possible! We all fucking do it. I mean, all them nuns and priests at the Barlow RC always wanted us to believe otherwise. That we'd go to Hell if we did it. That we were sinning every time our hands went down our own fucking pants. She won't let me watch. Maybe that's why she gets pissy with me when I beg her to let me have a wash with her but she says no. That's 'cos she's in there giving herself a fucking hand! I prefer the bath for wanking, me. It makes things easier. Makes things move easier. No fucking friction. I've done her good but I know I haven't learned all her spots. But I'm trying to learn. Trying to be gentle. Trying to figure out...how the fuck she gets off to a picture of him! But that's not the issue now. The issue now is that me fucking knob has swelled up to the point I need my trousers off. Unzipped at least. And me boxers...Christ! She's better at wanking me off than I am. Her hands are so soft and so gentle. But she's always gentle. Always sweet. And she fucking spoils me rotten. My hands feel a bit rough. Don't know what from but they get caught up and hurt some. I can't find the right...whoa! Hang on a sec. Maybe I have. The pillows feel fucking great. They've got extra feathers in them. What the fuck am I doing still holding onto his picture?! I'm not into...but she fucking is. Oh fuck! What if she does it on my side of the bed? What if she lays there and just...? She probably stares at him. Stares at that fucking nose as she's stroking herself back and forth and just fucking...oh, shit! I'm stretching out now. That didn't take long. How the fuck did it...no matter. What if she starts screaming? It probably don't start out screaming. There's no way he makes her scream. Moan maybe. But screaming. I fucking make her do that. I fucking made her...fucking...oh my GOD! It's always such a mess when I'm done and I never think to grab any tissues before I start. Now I'm lying here with a pool of rapidly cooling spunk...well it's not really a pool. It's kinda just...Blue's not going to be happy with me for what I've done to the sheets. And she's also not gonna be happy with me for what I've done to her picture. Oh fuck! Did I just say that out loud? It's not my fault! I didn't have any tissues and this picture is nothing but a bloody piece of paper. And now what do I do with it? Fuck's sake! When she finds out it's gone, she'll kill me. If I throw it in the bin and she sees it, she'll fucking...I have to do summat. I have to get rid of it without getting rid of it. I know. I'll stick it in this notebook, right? And she won't have a fucking clue. It'll work good I reckon. It's sticky enough.