Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

chapter 116

"What does that mean? Stop being so cryptic." She crosses her arms in frustration.
I shake my head. "Luke just pulled some shit in me that I wasn't expecting. That's all." I admit with a shrug.
"That's not giving me a lot."
"It's all I can give. I don't want to think about him."

"Okay...What about you and Carl? Are you two fighting too?"
"No, not like that. We bicker but who doesn't. He's just hard to be around."
"I thought you liked him?"
"I do." I groan.
"And that's a problem?"
"Yeah, cause I miss him but can't drag him into my mess. I can't..." I quickly grow uncomfortable with the conversation "...like him, like that if I can't even stand myself. And I can't take another loss."
"You're not going to loose Carl."
"Bullshit. Everyone said the same thing about Abbie and now she's six feet under."
Maggie shivers.

"I just, I can't go through this again."
"You think pushing people away will solve that for you?"
"Maybe."
"You think that whether you're with Carl or not, it would hurt any less?"
I know she's making decent points but I don't think I can bare to listen to them.

It's quiet for a moment and I finally lie down on the bed. Maggie scoots in beside me and I put my head in her lap, closing my eyes and waiting for some kid of sleep or rest to evade me.
"You love him." She whispers.
It wasn't a question.
"Yes."

"I seen it from the start. There was always something there with you two. Even now, I can still see it. I've watched him grow up and I've never seen him like this with anyone before. I don't mean to stare but sometimes I can't help it. I can see that he loves you in the way he looks at you, the way he moves with you, the way he knows what you're thinking before even you do. And I can se you love him too."
"That's funny, considering he hates me right now."
"Don't be silly Mads. He could never hate you."

I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break any more than it already had. I didn't think there was anything left of it until the final piece inside me shattered just now.
"Why does loving him hurt so bad?"
"Because it's real." She whispers.
I don't realize I'm crying again until Maggie's jeans are aimed and stained. I squeeze my eyes shit and pray for sleep to come.

End of flashback.

I rub my face and groan quietly.
What a fucking night.
I dread the thought of going downstairs and seeing Luke but I can't avoid him either.
I gently wriggle out of her embrace and walk into the en-suite bathroom.

I find a mirror and look back at the now familiar stranger. She looks worse than she did when she was covered in blood. My long brown hair has grown to almost my hips but it sticks in all directions after sleeping. My eyes are bloodshot, red and puffy. I look like I've had a mental breakdown from hell that lasted seven years.

I grab a hairbrush from the window shelf and rake it through my hair, getting rid of all the knots. I splash water on my face in hopes to cool down and hydrate my skin. I continue this morning routine as if I had one every morning. Pull my hair back, brush my teeth and fix myself up for the day.

Without warning, I retch into the sink. I didn't think I had anything left in me to throw up after yesterday but I was wrong. I groan and wait for the vertigo to pass.
I look up into the mirror above the sink and glare at the stranger.
"You're a fucking mess."

I clean the sink up as quickly as I can before Maggie hears anything. I brush my teeth again and silently pray that that's the last time I have to worry about being sick. 

I bite the bullet and sneak out of the room and down the stairs. Most people are still asleep on the ground or sprawled out on the four couches, all curled and hunched into different positions to fit more people there. My eyes skim for Luke but I don't see him.
Odd.