I'll see you again

Words

Instantly my mind witches to the last three words my mum had wanted me to have . 'I'll see you again' what was significant about those words? Were they even meant for me ? No I know they were for me . So what did they mean ? I never thought deeply about the topic so I never bothered to ask , but did my mother believe in reincarnation . Did she believes we were to be reborn ? Questions raced through my mind as I felt the sink vibrate shaking me out of my thoughts , only to discover it to be my phone . The caller ID flashed up as the 4 letters that I hate to love.
L
E
V
And I.

I shouldn't blame him . it wasn't his fault. All these mood swings seem to mess with my mind as once again those cursed words pop up , but this time i feel something different. Along with those cursed words an urge tags along, a want , a desire . hope was something i lost as soon as i felt the paper , it seemed to gush out of me like blood would out of a wound but somehow this interestingly sinful desire restored some warm feeling . it isn't hope ? ahhh no i remember this feeling ,contempt. like I'm about to do something that will bear fruit , something useful to not only me but those around me , living or not .

I want those words etched into me.

I want those bittersweet words to bless my skin.I want those words to hurt me physically as much as they did emotionally.I walk to the kitchen eyes dead set on my goal , a certain crockery imprisoned in its wooden cage. i move closer and wrap my hands around its handle. It feels so right . it has a small blade , so i hope the words won't come out messy. then again it also depends on my wrist . Will i be able to take the pain ? i mean I've always had this sort of entrancement when it comes to knifes. they just seem to beckon you , call out to you like melodic sirens yearning for prey , like when you look over the edge of a cliff or boat its as if the water below calls out for you to jump , however ludicrous it may sound , but before you physically move there is  someone to call you back to snap you back in to place, sometimes. however , thats not the case, no one is going to care about me . Eren . Why would they ? I had enough of self doubting . It hurt . It hurt so much . I couldn't explain it more than the words 'it hurt' almost as if the excruciating pain sealed my mouth shut . I drag the knife to slightly hover above my wrist . It's not shaking
I'm not shaking
Did you know you can apparently bite your own finger off as easy as you can a carrot but your brain prevents it ? What about me ? Has even my brain given up on me ?
I drag the cool blade against my wrist marking out the excellent shape of the words leaving a white mark on my previously tan wrist . It felt so right . Once marked I pressed harder . Harder. Harder. Till I felt it pierce my skin . Till I felt the Crimson liquid . Till I forgot the pain . Till I forgot Levi . Till I forgot mom . Till I forget joy . Till the world around me darkens. Till I can't seem to stand anymore. Till I can't press anymore. Till there's too much blood.....

I had already lost everything .....