The Gentleman & The Rake

Day Four Continued: The Wedding

The Engagement (continued)

In the letter, Lord Davers reproved me for thinking to marry below my station. I was a foolish man who did not know his own mind. I should leave Lincolnshire immediately and join my sister in London where I would regain my senses. I should remember my past follies-- 

The words were my sister's, not his. Barbara has tried to manage me since the day I was born. I am younger by seven years, and although I am the heir, she has always believed she knows best how I should conduct myself: what friends I should choose; how I should handle our family's estates. She will use any past mistake, any indiscretion of mine to gain her ends. 

I was furious, and I didn't want Pamela to see me in that state. She knew by then that I had a temper, but she'd never had to endure a full-blown rage. I got a horse and rode out. I rode the horse hard, harder than I should have, to the meadows. I stopped at a stream, so the horse could drink, dismounted, and leaned against its side. 

My sister and I inherited our father's temper, if not his lack of humor, though I am more generous--in my better moments, at least. But then I had our mother's influence. She and Barbara never got on. My sister saw our mother as compliant and dreamy while I marveled at her steadiness and good will. 

I found those qualities in Pamela. Pamela is occasionally obstructive, even saucy, acerbic, but no screamer and certainly no bully. She retreats into herself--sometimes too much--but when she speaks up, you had better listen. She was and is a far better person than I. 

I got home late, near supper time. Pamela had been worried by my absence, and I told her about the letter. I didn't know who might be sending information to my sister, so I suggested we let everyone, even the servants, believe our marriage would be in two Thursdays while marrying that coming Thursday. Only Williams, who would perform the ceremony, and Parson Peters, who would assist, would know the truth. 

Pamela agreed. I never pressured her. 

It is true that Wednesday night, she was pale and jittery. We ate together in the parlor. Rather, I ate while Pamela fidgeted. Finally, I rang for the plates to be taken away and pulled Pamela onto my lap. 

"I thought all doubts had been dealt with," I said against her hair. 

She settled her cheek against my shoulder, her fingers kneading the cuff of my white shirt; I'd removed my frock coat. 

"I am just being foolish," she said. "I don't know why." 

I smoothed her hair and sighed. "We can choose another day if you think your fears will abate." 

"Whatever day we choose, I will feel the same beforehand. I just wish I had a woman to confide in." 

I felt the unfairness of her position then. Sexual education for men is largely predicated on exposure to their peers. Sexual education for women, conversely, seems to depend mostly on their mothers.

Cross-Examination

"Not that your almost-rape had anything to do with Pamela's fears," Gary said sarcastically. 

Mr. B winced. Judge Hardcastle reckoned Mr. B did make the connection. Unfortunately, Gary--however inappropriately--had a point. 

Deborah said, "Uncertainty before marriage is fairly customary in romance novels." 

That tickled the judge. "Pre-wedding jitters!" 

"When people don't know the facts of life--" Gary began. 

"People in the eighteenth century knew the facts of life," Leslie Quinn said. She sounded rather tired, but then the CLF consistently refused to acknowledge that people before the CLF came along knew anything about anything.