Friendship Never Dies (formerly called Silver Lining)

Friendship Never Dies - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Everyone was at the funeral. All the people she had liked, loved, disliked, hated. Even Chloe Richards was there. She had made mine and Nicole’s life difficult, and she put on her sweet, tearful expression and stood up in front of everyone, saying how Nicole was so kind to her and blah, blah, blah, simpering a load of crap about how “Nicole was one of her closest friends”. I felt like walking straight out of that building full of hypocrites and fakes, just to get Chloe’s voice as far away from my ears as possible. But I didn’t.

I couldn’t even make the speech that I’d been rehearsing in my head for the past hour because I was too choked up. As I sat, motionless, listening to the vicar drone on and on about Nicole, a person that he didn’t even know. Once I read a book where they reckoned that the priest made the same speech at every funeral – and I agreed with them. It sounded meaningless, like he was reciting from a script, not what was in his heart or in his mind. Images crept in front of my eyes at random moments, filling my head with memories. I could see out of the corner of my eye, Chloe smirking at me. But it was only with her mouth. Her eyes were filled with regret and were swimming, just like mine. Despite seeing through her cool pretences I still loathed her and I didn’t think I would ever forgive her for what she’d done.

 When Nicole’s coffin was marched into the church, nothing else existed. That was all I could see. Even though I knew that it was impossible, I was waiting for the lid to lift up and Nicole to jump out and yell “Surprise!!” a big mocking grin on her face – not Nicole at all, but still better than nothing. But of course, that didn’t happen. As I watched, I fought to force the tears back so that I could see. I was falling apart and my mum could see that. She kept shooting furtive glances at me as if to say “Do you want to go?” but I ignored her and fixed my attention on Nicole. I wanted to say goodbye, but I wasn’t sure how to do it.

After the burial I didn’t bother going to the wake. I stayed by the graveside, and waited for everyone to leave. My mum stayed there and watched me staring at the stone cold slab of marble that held my best friend under the ground. Eventually she came over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. “Do you want be alone?” she asked cautiously. I nodded silently, on the verge of tears, my face crumpling. I waited until she had walked away, until the click of her heels had faded into the distance, then I turned to Nicole. The tears crept down my face as I said my speech. It was just Nicole and me. She was the only one who could hear me. She was the only one who I wanted to hear me. I unfastened the friendship bracelet from my wrist and hooked it on the corner of the stone. I knew that she couldn’t really hear me as I chattered on, but I didn’t care. She was a good listener when she was alive and she was even better now. My face was sore, swollen and raw from crying so much and it felt like I had sharpened a pencil down my throat. It felt like all I’d done in the past few weeks was cry. I got up, my knees wobbling and aching from kneeling down too long. But I didn’t go back to the wake. To all the people who didn’t care. I made my way to Nicole’s house. It was like déjà vu. I went straight up to Nicole’s room and the tears fell again.       

I don’t know how long I lay there, sprawled across Nicole’s bed, wallowing in self disgust. I hardly noticed my phone when it rung, just registering that it was my mum and I couldn’t deal with the hassle right now. I barely noticed the cool touch of the button when I switched it off and cut out the annoying ringing noise that sounded so out of place. I didn’t feel the salty tears roll down my face. I never glanced at the clock. The only sign of time passing was the tell-tale colours of the sky changing through the open blinds, seeping into dark blues and blacks, like someone had thrown a blanket over a light bulb. There weren’t even any stars. It was dim and blank, drifting, never quite in one place, like my mind.

I couldn’t sleep again that night, I was so keyed up. I changed out of my funeral clothes and into a pair of Nicole’s joggers, a T-shirt and a hoodie. I tried to stop my mind from reminding me that I was wearing a dead girl’s clothes and concentrated on the task in hand. I filled a bag with the money that I’d brought from home and some food. I picked a photo of Nicole and added that to the bag. I left my phone and a note to Kate, Chris and my parents, telling them where I was going. But not why. They could work that out themselves. They could think what they wanted. I didn’t care. I had to get away from them – all of them. I walked out of the door, not looking back, into the cold, black night.