Candles

39 | D A R K N E S S

Foolish.

I had been nothing but foolish.

I was uncomfortable looking at him as I spoke. My eyes wandered down to my lap and I whispered, "I was going to end things with her today. Jillian, I mean. I only went over there to her house to end it and leave her for Sydney. I never meant...I didn't know she was...There was...There was so much blood...I...I couldn't..."

When I stopped speaking, Greysen placed his head against the wall and sighed. His hand went back to my shoulder and he patted it gently. I expected him to yell at me about being so selfish but he looked exhausted. He and Jillian were close. They were best friends just like he and I were. He was crushed on the inside but he was trying his best to stay strong for me. I was thankful to have him as a friend. There was no way I would have been able to do this alone. The rest of our friends had someone to go back home to. Greysen lived alone and, as of right now, so did I.

"Did you love her?" he had asked after a while.

"Sydney?"

"Mm-hmm," he hummed.

Did I love her? She made me laugh. She made me feel emotions Jillian was never able to pull out of me. We had so many things in common and we knew exactly what to talk about to make each other laugh. I was so eager to help her when I barely knew her. I allowed her to move in when I never once thought about letting Jillian move in with me. We went out to places when Jillian and I usually stayed indoors. I had felt something when I was with Sydney but was it love? I had to say it was. I even confessed my love for her. My heart was crazy about her and it was dying because she was gone.

"Yeah," I finally answered him.

"And you still do?"

"Yeah."

"And you pushed her away," he said, punching me harder than I expected. "What a dick move, man."

I knew he was trying to lighten the mood and it was actually working. Sydney still had to be nearby and I would go looking for her eventually. Right now, I needed time for myself and I needed time to think. It would be wrong of me to go running after her knowing Jillian had just died today. How wrong was it for me to think so much of Sydney right now in this particular moment? Every time I closed my eyes, her face appeared. The same facial expression she wore when I blamed everything on her. The same hurt, devastated, crushed facial expression. If she was not torn before, she most definitely was now.

"She's gone! She's dead and it's all your fault! I loved her and there's no bringing her back! She called me, Sydney! And do you want to know where my phone was? It was at home while I was at the shitty beach with you!"

I had been harsher than I intended. The words came out of my mouth without a second thought and I did not care about what I was saying to her at the time. Now, I wished I could have taken it all back. I would have allowed her to comfort me and she would still be here. Her stuff would still be in her room and it would still smell like her. The smell was slowly fading away and I wanted it to come back.

"Get out! Get the hell out and don't come back!"

But I wanted her to come back. I wanted her back in my arms and I wanted her to comfort me like I did the night she woke up from her horrifying nightmare. I was in the middle of my own nightmare and I needed comforting. I was dying of a disease and she was my only cure. I now understood how hard it was for some people to find a cure for their illness. It was always right there in front of them but when they messed up, it disappeared into thin air and the person eventually died. I was not going to die, though, not literally. Metaphorically, perhaps.