This isn't going to be poetic. I'm not going to spend twenty minutes thinking of a way to compare a boy's eyes to flowers or how I feel like my skin is on fire whenever I breathe. Happiness has followed me around the past few months. I have just come to terms with my grandmother's death even though I blamed myself for so long. Cancer took her life and I never got the chance to forgive her before she died for all the things she said. She was mentally ill and cancer made that worse. I was too filled with teenage angst to see it from her side. I have finally allowed myself to forgive her and pray to whoever is above everyday so that maybe she'll know that I don't hate her.
I have felt so positive with my body and my mind. I'm starting to fully love myself and there's nothing more beautiful than being able to say so. I remember spending many many nights crying about the fact that I wasn't beautiful because I thought the number on the scale determined my worth. It does not.
I finally got my license after two years of pushing it off. I feel as if I've just cliff dived into adulthood and it's something as simple as being able to drive alone. I'm only a year away from leaving for college and just this whole idea of being on my own is thrilling and exciting.
But even in all the positive vibes I've been receiving, there's always something to ruin it. I feel so alone. I don't have friends. My social life has turned to shit because I don't care enough to seek companionship but I care enough that it tears me up inside.
And not even five months after my grandma passed away because of stage four ovarian cancer, my grandmother on my moms side has been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I've only ever lost one family member and having a potential second death in a year is utterly terrifying and has me on edge over everything.
I just need a break.
