When We're Both Thirty

Dissecting the Soul

Gerard's been in a state of confusion for about an hour and a half now. He hasn't really done anything. Mostly he's just stood here staring at the wall and trying to come up with a formation of words to describe how he feels right now.

He feels like an idiot. He's pretty sure he is an idiot as well. He can't even wrap his brain around the sheer number of things that encompass the immensity of how much of an idiot he is. He's literally standing here, barely even moving since Frank left and he's trying to stop himself from thinking about Frank. In doing so however, he's forced to try not to think about Frank which just means that the only thing he can possibly think about right now is Frank.

He's thinking about Frank's hair which is always messy no matter when Gerard sees him, but it's really cute too with the way that it frames his face. He's thinking about Frank's eyes which are a really pretty shade of dark brown like chocolate and they make Gerard melt a little just thinking about them. He's thinking about Frank's fingers which are literally one of the hottest things he's ever seen, because they're tattooed and strong, but also really gentle, and Gerard really wants those hands tugging on his hair or holding his own hands. He's thinking about Frank's smile and the way it seems to light up every room he's in, but he always tries to stop himself from smiling whenever he's around Gerard which means that it ends up being even more adorable and sweet. He's thinking about Frank's voice and the way he's so articulate, even though half of the time Gerard's heard him talking it was to call him something unflattering, but sometimes it's hard to feel offended when it's Frank on the offense.

He's thinking about Frank's laugh and the way that it seems to come from a deep part of him rather than just on the surface, and it's a little feminine, also somewhat of a pot laugh, but it's cute and it probably gives a fairy its wings. He's thinking about the way that Frank's eyebrows seem to loosen up when he's concentrating on something, or when he's trying to look serious about whatever subject he's talking about. He's thinking about the way Frank doesn't like it when people make fun of his height, but he's all for making fun of his own height so long as he's the one who says it first.

He's thinking about the way Frank had kissed him, like it was some secret the two of them were sharing that couldn't be told to anyone else. He's thinking about the way Frank remembers all the little things, knowing smaller little things about Gerard that even he wasn't completely aware of about himself.

Gerard's thinking about everything and only anything to do with Frank when someone starts hammering on his door. Gerard almost forgot where he was, or more, accurately what he was. He was just so lost in thought that he forgot about his own existence.

Gerard walks over to the door, hoping it's Frank and also hoping it's not. He also kind of wants it to just be death so that he doesn't have to think about the royal mistakes he's made over the past few weeks, but he doubts death would knock on the door.

When Gerard opens it, forgetting to look through the peephole in his state, he's almost run over by Mikey pushing past him.

"Do you think they have AA meetings for people who have the dumbest brother in all of existence?" Mikey says.

Gerard turns around, looking out the doorway for a moment longer to check the halls for he's not sure who. Maybe Frank, or maybe Satan coming to laugh at him. He turns, closing the door behind him, and feeling like his brain was just assaulted by too many words all at once.

"What?"

"Like, can I find an anonymous group where you go and you tell everyone about how dumb your brother is because he's so unbelievably stupid that it literally hurts the very core of your own existence that someone this wholly stupid could ever possibly be related to you? Not even related, someone that stupid could even possibly exist. Like, he's so dumb, so idiotic, so fucking daft that it doesn't seem possible that he hasn't accidentally choked on air by now."