When We're Both Thirty

Deal With It

"Ow!"

"I warned you not to lie to me," Mikey says.

"You hit me!"

"I did. Deal with it."

"Mikey, if it's not true, which it isn't, then you'll just assume I'm lying so you'll hit me again. I literally can't win, because telling the truth makes me get hit, but lying makes me a bad person," Gerard says.

"But I know you better than anyone. You like him. Say it and I won't hit you again."

"But!" Gerard starts and then Mikey hits him on the back of the head, "ow! Motherfucker."

"Say it, you dumbass!" Mikey orders.

"You're hitting me! What kind of a brother are you?"

"The only one you've got," Mikey says.

"Ugh. This is abuse! I don't have to admit to anything."

"You're so stupid," Mikey yells. "I'm going to hit you until you admit to it."

"You're such a dick!" Gerard screams, whilst being assaulted by an envelope that Mikey picked up from on top of the counter. At least it's not as painful as his elbow or something.

"Admit it!" Mikey shouts, "Gerard, you fucking loser. Admit it!"

"You're so mean. Stop it!"

"You know how to get me to stop!" Mikey shouts, and Gerard attempts to run away from him, but Mikey's legs are longer. He just ends up running around the kitchen island a few times. He feels like a small child again. Actually his childhood wasn't too different than this. A lot of running around being chased by Mikey. Except Frank was usually there, and he was usually trying to make himself seem cool by chewing that nasty convenience store bubblegum he used to buy.

"You're legally an adult, you weirdo. You can't just chase me around my apartment hitting me with mail!" Gerard yelps.

"You're behaving like a kid. I am responding accordingly. Admit it! Gerard! Just say you like Frank!"

"Fine!"

"What?" Mikey asks.

"Fine! Okay? You win. My life is hell right now, but if it's what you want to hear, then yes, I like Frank. I like him! I like him a lot. I like him so much that it's starting to hurt. It's driving me insane, I can't even bear it, but yes, I like Frank."

"Oh my god!" Mikey says, looking like he just found a winning lottery ticket.

"Oh come on, calm your tits."

"I knew it!" He shouts ecstatically. "I fucking knew it. I'm the smartest person you know, Gerard! I knew it! Oh my god, this is the best news I have ever heard. This should make headlines! Gerard Way loves Frank Iero!"

"You're such an asshole," Gerard says, shaking his head.

"I finally got you to say it though! Today is a good day. Oh, I gotta write this down for my best man's speech. It'll be a humorous anecdote. It'll also be moving. I'm banking on this story being picked up by Paramount or Warner Brothers, so it needs to be touching. I need people to cry, and laugh, and I want to be played by Chris Hemsworth."

"We all know you'd be played by Michael Cera."

"Just as good. Everyone always loves Michael Cera's character! He's not as handsome as me, but we'll make it work."

Gerard groans and puts a hand through his hair, trying to figure out what the hell is happening, because seriously, he's not having an easy time at this. Mikey is insane, and he's practically glowing with the words 'I told you so' and it's weird. He feels like a hormonal teenager, not like a man old enough to rent a car.