There's A Jock in My Bed! [✓]

21. Santa Baby! - Christmas Special

“You guys cannot be serious. Don’t tell me high school kids still believe that fat man climbs down a chimney that he probably can’t even fit in and leaves presents?”

Evelyn clutched a paper bell until it cracked under the pressure of her grip. “Who else leaves us presents then?” Bobby, usually the rational one asked.

My eyes fellow open wide in shock, “Your parent’s hard earned money.”

“Damn Evan, you never had a single encounter with Santa?”

I stood. “No, but let me tell you all the story of Christmas. Sit.” Hesitantly, the all sat down.

Since they wanted to be treated like four year olds, might as well go the full mile with this.

“Okay, once in the magical land of, um, San Francisco, Land of Magic. There lived a little girl by name of…Selena. Now Selena was wonderful, beautiful and unique, she wanted to be an actress and a singer, though she should have stayed away from the singing part if you know what I mean.” I giggled.

Their faces on the other hand were straight and stone like. I coughed and cleared my throat through the awkwardness, “Okay then. One Night Selena asked Santa for a new cell phone because she was a good girl and all the kids in her preschool class had them and of course she didn’t want to be the only toddler without one. She would have spiraled into depression and eventually-.”

“Evan!” I jumped out of my thoughts and lowered my gaze to Chris, “Can you get to the Christmas part?” 

“Fine.” I huffed, outraged. “One the night of Christmas Eve, she heard a sound down stairs and being the badass ninja she was, she got up to investigate.” I raised my hand to the sky, they followed them.

“Picture it, a man, tall and in a red suit way too tiny and tacky for him standing there. Why, she was terrified!”

I stopped for a moment to look at their gazes; they were so deeply enthralled in what I was saying. “Finish...” Bobby said softly.

I nodded and smiled gently, “Okay, so she was afraid at first but when the man gave her a gift, her eyes shined- shined like the star that led the wise men to Baby Jesus. But, upon opening the gift wrapped ever so wonderfully in green and red paper, she frowned. The gift was only a little doll. She had dolls, enough to build a Barbie army. The man in the suit explained to the melancholy, brunette girl that she had lived in a big house while others were homeless; she had loving parents while others were abusive. He explained that he had much more work to do for those people than her and that he would be happy if she accepted this little gift for being a good girl. She, with her heart of pure gold, smiled and took the gift in appreciation.”

 I stopped and looked at them; Chris leaned in, “Well, what happened next?”

‘Oh yeah. She didn’t have any cookies or milk so he slit her throat and burned her in the furnace. The End.”

Their smiles, hopeful gazes and undivided, childlike attention shattered like glass. I started to laugh hysterically from the couch as they stood, outraged and upset.

“It’s not funny Evan.” Ev said, heading back over to the tree with Kim right behind her.

“I’m sorry,” I wheezed out, trying to stop laughing, “I’m sorry guys; it’s just that the best thing about Christmas is spiking the eggnog and watching Aunt Maryanne pretend she’s a reindeer during the Christmas dinner. Not some fat dude who doesn’t exist.”

They all stared at me with disappointment. What was there problem? Haven’t they heard of a joke, besides, they were high school kids, they shouldn’t still be day dreaming that Santa is the one who buys them all these expensive crap.