I walk around with my boyfriend, Harry, to some mall. I wasn't really paying any attention to anything. I was zoning out a lot of the time. It must be the meds. I was just prescribed to anti depressants earlier this week. Of course I didn't tell Harry.
"Ellie!! Watch out! What are you doing?!?" Harry yelled at me causing me to come back to reality as he yanked me back. I almost just walked into traffic.
"Sorry... Wasn't paying attention I guess.." I said looking at anything but him.
"What's wrong with you latley you've been acting.... Strange.." He asked grabbing my hands.
"Nothing. I'm fine." 'No you're not' a voice sad in my head. "I guess I'm just tired is all." I said. 'You're lying.' This voice said again.
"Alright..." Harry said giving me a look.
At the mall I didn't buy anything. Not one thing. I just followed Harry around like a lost dog. That's exactly what I am. A dog. A lost cause. Sometimes I don't even know if I exist.
What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why am I.... Me?
'Because no one loves you. You deserve this. You deserve everything that's coming to you.' The voice said. Why can't I get this stupid voice to shut up.
"Shut. Up." I whispered
"Excuse me?" Some lady who apeared to be talking to Harry and I said while looking at me. Harry's eyes grew wide in surprise. My cheeks flushed a ugly color of red.
"Sorry.. Wasn't talking to you..." I said. She gave me a crazy look before continuing her conversation.
'Wow. Bravo. Now you have people thinking your crazy as well. Ha. Doesn't matter. Maybe you are crazy.' The voice said.
"I am not!" I yelled once again not only causing the attention of Harry and the lady but a few passer Byers as well.
"Are you alright?" Harry asked grabbing my hand and interlacing his fingers with mine.
"Yes... Just tired." I said. 'You're a worthless liar. Why is someone like him with someone like YOU anyway? You're not even pretty. If I called you hideous, it would still be an understatement.' The voice said. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
"You're not okay. I'm taking you home." Harry said pulling me along.
"I'm fine." I said.
"No you aren't." He said.
"I am. I... I promise...." I said. 'Wow. And you say you love him. If you loved him why are you lying? You don't deserve him. He probably doesn't even love you. You're worthless. Annoying. Fat. Ugly. A bitch. Unlovable.' The voice said. It was true. I am all of those things.
"Hey, wanna go for a run?You love running. It always calms you down." Harry said. It was true. I do love running. I'm just not up for it right now.
"No... Maybe some other time." I said starting to zone out. I never turn down a run. Why did I now? I hate what's happening to me. I hate that I don't know what's happening time.
I don't know what's happening to anything most of the time. I'm always I my own little world in my head, which is a lot worse than the real world. Especially when I'm alone. I hate being alone, but at the same time I prefer no one else's company except my own. Not even Harry's. Normally I love being in Harry's company, but recently I don't. Have the time I don't even realize that he is here. I wish that I was here. The old me. I don't know what happened to her. The girl Harry fell in love with. Was that ever really me? Or is the person I am today the real me? I'm not sure what's wrong with me or if there is even anything wrong.
"Uh hello! Are you listening? Yo hoo? Anyone home?" Harry says while waving a hand I front of my face. We were home.
"Sorry what?" I asked looking At him. He frowned.
"You okay?" He asked. I nodded.
"Yep. Fine. I'm just tired." I said.
"Well let's get inside then. I'll get the stuff." Harry said. I half smiled and made my way into the house. I sat down on the couch and stared blankly at the tv that appeared to be off.
"Would you like me to run you a bath?" Harry said peaking his head through the living room entry way.
"Yeah, thank you." I said. 'You could use a bath. YOU deserve to soak in your failure. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to fall asleep in the bath and drowned since you're just 'tired.' I'm sure Harry is thinking the same thing. He doesn't love you.' The voice said.
"Ellie, the baths ready." Harry called. I didn't respond. I can't move.
"Ellie, did you hear me?" He said walking next to me. I say nothing.
"Are you sure you're just tired. Are you feeling okay?" He asks. I shake my head no. He lifts me up and carries me to the bathroom.
"What are you doing?" I ask as he begins undressing me.
"I'm helping. You're not well and I want to make sure you're okay." He says as he helps me into the warm bath and starts to clean me. I just stare at him in awe as he washes me.
"Why are you doing this?" I ask him curiously.
"Because I love you Ellie." He said looking straight into my eyes.
"No you don't." I mumble.
"What? How could you think that. If I didn't love you why would I be doing all this for you?" He asked a hint if hurt in his voice. I started to choke back the tears.
"Because... how could someone like you... fall in love with someone like me..." I say.
"Because you're brilliant and extraordinary and I love you with all my heart. I love ever piece of you. I'll never stop loving you Ellie." He said. All though I didn't want to believe him, I couldn't help myself.
"I love you." I said back. All though I might not feel loved by him or worthy of him at least I know he loves me, and that is enough. At least for right now.
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Omg hey guys I'm back.... for like good now. So before I had a shitty add phone and now I got a new one and I couldn't remember what my username or email was for this account but then I remember I wrote it in one of my journals and yeah I found it. So you guys wanted me to make a part two on "he hits you" and "hate Christmas." I'm planning on doing both of them but which would you guys like me to update first? Let me know in the comments. And thank oh guys so much for all the votes and reads omg I can't stress enough how amazing that is. Also if you want me to make an imagine fire you just message me or comment. And I know this was kinda more depressing one but w/e it's my book so I'll write what I want 😌 alright thanks guys, adios!
