Hell is Like High School

As Intrepid as Dora The Explorer

"Two-hundred-and-ninety-four, two-hundred-and-ninety-five..." The stairs seemed endless. As endless as a cow's dangly thing when he sees a particularly sexy female.

"Can you please shut up?" Alex hissed through clenched teeth.

I obliged and went on to counting in my head. And by Satan's earlobe, it was getting mighty chilly. I wrapped my arms around myself and continued, lifting my gaze to see if there was any end to this staircase. Nope. Not a thing.

By the five hundred mark, I was getting restless. "Would it hurt them to put a banister on this thing? I mean, Heaven could be on a budget but it's not the safest, is it?"

"Well then, why don't you go to God himself and give him a little tip on DIY?"

"I think I will. Do you think Heaven has a B&Q?"

Alex rolled his eyes, staying silent for a few moments. "I'm sorry, Inferno." He said after a pause.

"Well, that came out of nowhere?" I muttered, smirking slightly. "The great Alex Miles apologising to an annoying peasant like me? Mum, don't bother with the camera, get the whole bloody recording crew! Why the Hell are you saying sorry?"

"Because I'm the one who got you in this mess!" Alex snapped, temper worsening.

"Fair point there mate." I said, voice quietening. "Dude, this whole experience has been... An experience. But, at least it's made my life more interesting." I didn't really know what else to say.

"Interesting indeed." He sounded trenchant and bitter.

"Mate, it's fine. Apology accepted."

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"Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine..." My voice grew in excitement. "A thousand!" The staircase ended. We were officially in Heaven. Shivering, I jumped up and down as if Justin's Bieber's face was beneath my feet, cheering.

"Mate, calm down."

"This is not a time to calm down! We're in Heaven! Aren't you at least a bit happy, eh? This is what you've always wanted! Yes, we'll probably die of hypothermia sooner or later, but we're in Heaven!" I exclaimed, beginning to dance frantically.

"It doesn't feel... Right. This wasn't how I imagined Heaven."

Looking around, I had to admit he was right. There was, well, nothing. For miles and miles was just shimmering whiteness, a white so bright and gleaming it would make any dentist sweat. "It's quiet... Too quiet."

"Inferno, this isn't a game!" Alex snapped, wrapping his arms around himself. I resigned to muttering under my breath, whilst my extremely happy and excited comrade knelt down.

"I don't think the heater will be in the floor." I said quietly.

"There's a wire here. A trip wire." Alex replied solemnly, pointing.

"A wire? What for? To go devil hunting?"

"It's very small. Most people would just overlook it... I wonder what it does..." His finger encroached.

"Mate, that's a bloody trip wire in Heaven. It's probably not gonna do us any harm but let's not anger anybody, eh? This is our first impression, God won't be too mighty pleased." But apparently my pleas were useless, for moron here went and doinked the itty wire.

I screamed and fell backward. Suddenly, as soon as the wire had been touched, everything sprang into life. And I mean everything. Around us sprung desks and jolly market stalls, cosy little cottages, floating whisps and spirits with happily beaming faces. "We've activated Heaven." I breathed, coming to my senses. Still sprawled on the floor, I watched in awe.

"Can we please take a moment to appreciate my plethora of common sense and superior brain power?" Alex said happily, standing up with a content sigh.

"Okay, I must admit that was pretty snazzy." Slowly, I rose to my feet. "But I was the one who found the magic staircase in the first place." I flourished my hands in a dismissive manner. I would take full credit for this escapade, thanking you immensely.

"Actually, I think you'd find your overwhelming love for alcohol brought us here. So, you can take no responsibility."

"Well excuseeeeeee me?" I was about to respond with an extremely sassy retort, but I was interrupted by a very shrill - yet dainty - scream. The sound was as raucous as Donald Trump's ego.

"THEY'RE FROM HELLLLLLLL."