Even A Jackass Needs Love

Chapter 7: Right Here in My Arms

            The morning after, I feel like a load of shit. Bam did not call me or text me at all last night or this morning. It’s like the day before my birthday all over again. This time, I know he’s not up to anything, he really just doesn’t want to talk to me. Aren’t girlfriends supposed to be there for you to talk to?

            Nothing but questions flood my mind. I couldn’t sleep until around five in the morning, when I finally passed out. Alex left for work around eight and woke me up again to see if I was okay. Of course I’m not okay.

            I get sick in the toilet when I try to eat breakfast. I have this deeply imbedded emptiness in my stomach that makes even my bones ache. Why is last night affecting me so much? I’m getting bad again, all because of one stupid fight.

            I decide to start a bath and undress, my body weak. I step into the tub and sit down, letting the water envelope me in warmth. I lean my head back against the edge of the tub and close my eyes, trying to clear my mind. Maybe Bam is just sleeping and thinks I’m upset about the fight. Ryan was more upset than I was and he was allowed to talk to Bam. What kind of shit is that? I can’t question Bam’s and my relationship. We have something I’ve never had before, and it’s the most important thing in my life right now. If that’s the case, then why do I keep finding these little mistakes? I’m overanalyzing everything. It’s all because of my past of bad relationships with pieces of shit guys. I’ve lived through so many flawed relationships that I’m neurotic about them now. I have to examine every small thing that can go wrong.

            At this point, I’m completely under water, holding my breath. I wish I was gone from the world right now.

            Pulling me from my fall into insanity, I hear knocks echo through the apartment. I sit up, gasping for breath.

            “Ellie? You in there?” It’s Ryan’s voice.

            I get to my feet, my knees wobbly and my skin dripping with water. I pull a towel over me tightly and scurry from the bathroom to the front door. I unlock it and open the door, poking my head into the opening. I see Ryan with his normal attire, but a concerned look in his eyes.

            “Ellie, are you okay? You’re trembling.” He says.

            “I’m doing just fine.” I lie, putting on my best fake smile.

            “No you’re not. We need to talk. Put some clothes on.” He tells me, walking right into my apartment.

            “If you’re looking for Alex, she’s not here.” I say as I quickly get dressed with my bedroom door open a crack.

            “I know. I’m here for you.” He replies.

            I’m on the verge of having a panic attack as I walk back into the living room where Ryan is. He’s on the couch and it looks like he’s ready to give me an intervention. I try to take slow breaths as I sit next to him and try to stop shaking.

            “Let me start off by saying that Bam is not mad at you.” He says, calming me down more than I expect.

            “Yesterday when he asked for you and Alex to leave, it’s because he was ashamed of you seeing him in such a shitty situation. After you girls left, he started to cry. He was so pissed at himself for letting his temper get away from him. He told me that he felt like he failed you and that he would completely understand if you left him.” Ryan explains.

            “I would never leave him because of a stupid bar fight.” I reply.

            “I know, that’s what I told him. You two are both so intense with your emotions I knew neither of you would be able to confront this problem, at least not easily.” He adds.

            “Alex called me on her way to work to let me know that she was worried about you. She said she heard you crying in your sleep. I told her about how I slept over at Bam’s and he drank himself into a stupor. He would’ve done worse if I wasn’t there.” While Ryan is explaining everything to me, I stop shaking. I had no idea Bam would be such a wreck because of this. He seemed okay after the fight. I need to see him right now. I need to hold him and let him know that everything is fine and we just need to put this whole thing behind us.

            “Ryan, thank you for telling me all of this.” I say.

            “It’s what friends do.” He responds.

            “So, where is Bam now?” I ask.

            “He’s in my truck, probably asleep.” He replies.

            I gasp with a grin. This makes Ryan smile and we both get up. I race him down to the apartment parking lot, my knees ready to give out at any moment. I ignore the weakness, too anxious to see Bam. I spot Ryan’s truck, but don’t see Bam. I glance at Ryan, who still has a smile, and he motions towards his truck. As we approach it, I notice a black mass in the back seat. Then I realize it’s my boyfriend. Every feeling that I had about cute boys in middle school comes racing back and I’m close to squealing like a 12-year-old. Ryan doesn’t unlock the door fast enough as I tug on the handle and the door pops open. I see Bam curled up in the backseat wearing a black hoodie, a beanie, and some pajama pants. I lift myself into the truck and pile myself on top of him, waking him up. He groans and mumbles an obscenity.

            “I missed you.” Is all I can say, despite the fact that we saw each other last night.

            He realizes it’s me and I see that smile hidden in the back of the seat. He looks at me with shimmering eyes and pulls me into the tightest hug I’ve ever had.

            “If we ever have a problem, please just talk it out with me, okay?” I tell him as I bury my face into his chest.

            “Okay. I’m sorry.” He responds, pulling me up closer to his face.

            “Promise?” I ask, searching for anything in the blue of his eyes.

            “Promise.” He says and pulls me into a kiss.

            I grip onto his hoodie for dear life, never wanting to let myself ever leave him again. A tear falls from my eye and onto his cheek. I wipe it away and continue to embrace his lips with mine.

            “Alright, you two. Let’s not get freaky in the back of my truck.” Ryan jokes, making us laugh.

            I slide out of the truck and Bam follows, stumbling out of the back and onto the pavement. He’s still a bit drunk from last night.

            “I’m guessing I’m leaving you here?” Ryan asks Bam, opening the front door.

            “Yeah.” Bam responds, watching Ryan.

            I start walking backwards towards my apartment building, blissful that I’m with Bam. I step onto the street and my knees get weaker. My head starts to spin and everything goes blurry for a moment. I should probably eat something. As I continue stepping backwards, I feel like I’m in a roller coaster or an elevator going down. Before I hit the pavement, I hear the ear-piercing screech of someone’s rusty brakes, the crack of bones, and the shattering of glass. Everything is black and I feel something warm running down my head. I smell copper. Blood. Am I dead?