In the planning stages
Of most social events
I'm somewhat enthusiastic
To agree to join another
In various gatherings or excursions
At the time it sounds like something
I would like to do or experience
I am willing to say yes
Because it's in the future
And I figure I'll have time to
Get myself ready to go
I'll be a whole new woman
By the time the date in the calendar
Rolls around to the planned outing
But as the gathering draws closer
I find myself searching
For any excuse to back out
Of the event I agreed to attend
Hoping that I can disappear
Without too much opposition
From the person or people
I choose to plan to go with
It could be as simple as a trip to the farmers market, the movies, a new restaurant or even just a visit in
My own backyard swimming pool
The place and time has no effect
On my reluctance to participate
The day it's time to go out
What I can't wrap my head around
Is that I actually want to do these things with the people in my life
I enjoy the dates I make with friends
I look forward to seeing my family
I want to experience new things
That is the infuriating piece of
Me that I can't quite understand
This social anxiety the makes
It so much more easy and comfortable
To stay home where it all makes sense
I feel great sadness about missing out
Each time I miss an event, however
I can't get myself to venture out
The door that holds me back
From being and active part
Of my world that I so desire to explore
The mental blockages that keep me
Stuck in a jail I have created myself
Just are too strong for me to break free
YOU ARE READING
Inner Ugliness
שיריםA compilation of raw poetry that I have written spontaneously without editing myself.
