Born Sick

twotwotwotwo

it's a terrible feeling to not know who you are. that's what i was feeling. except it was more of a what. what am i? why am i so different?

thoughts raced through my head as i sat behind my bed, the journal in my hands. after mom told me everything about my dad, she shoved me back up to my room for a bit. she didn't know i had the journal with me. i looked down at it, excited. the cover was made of stiff leather and the pages were dirty and stained. i felt like a different person when i held on to the book, almost like i remembered something that i really didn't know about. then i read:

|daniel lox|
as i'm writing this, i am human. i might not be a human for much longer. my time is coming up. i'm shifting more depending on the seasons. with each year, i'm a wolf for longer. once you fully become a wolf, you have ten years of living. a few members of our lost shadows pack have died. our numbers are getting smaller.

everything in my brain stalled for a moment as i sat in disbelief. wolves? am i a wolf? it totally sounded crazy but at the same time i thought it was one hundred percent real. if my dad wrote this journal, it must be real. everything started to come together. on those nights that i didn't remember, i was a wolf. i tore up my room trying to get out. this is why my mom kept me in my room. she was scared.

i read more and more in the journal, learning all about packs, ranks of wolves, werewolves, the woods, shifting, mates. my dad was a wolf like me.

i do believe that i am a strong wolf. special even. i'm afraid that my daughter is dangerous. she will be special, probably, but i am afraid i will never get to be there for her. i am going to venture into the woods to find a place for me to live as a wolf. i don't want to leave my pregnant wife, but it is the only way i can protect her and the baby.

suddenly, i was mentally taken to the woods. i was lower to the ground and felt all the leaves and dirt between my toes. the wind blew softly and the quiet sound of water tickled my ears. i made my way through the dark forest, weaving in and out of trees through the way.

birds whistled in the trees, singing out to the beautiful night sky above us. the world was at peace. i was at peace. i was free and could run continuously until the end of time. there were no limits. i felt happy.

then, a dark black wolf came out of the shadows and joined me. we walked together, side by side, adventuring through the brush. i felt as if i was with someone who fully understood me and was there for me every step of the way. i didn't know who the big wolf was, but i felt as if i could trust him with my life.

we were in our true forms. just us. walking. enjoying the silent peace engulfing us. there was nothing bad in the world, nothing threatening toward us, just our beautiful haven in the trees.

we walked for miles until slowly, everything seemed to fade away. the trees, the birds, the dirt, the leaves, the night sky, the wolf. i found myself back in my room. a cracked ceiling replaced the spotted sky. the yellowing carpet replaced the leaves and dirt. scratched up walls replaced the trees. empty spaces replaced the wolf.

i still felt something, though. i felt ears. a tail. they weren't there, but it definitely felt like it. if i hadn't put my hands up to my head, i would've been completely sure they were real.

everything in my brain was telling me something about my true self. everything made sense now. everything. my dad wrote that i am dangerous and special, but what does he mean by that?

i was going to find out. i was going to find my dad.

there was a small leather bag with a long strap hanging in my closet. i put the journal inside, along with a locket necklace that was hidden inside.