Born Sick

oneoneoneone

tick tock. tick tock.

i sat back, watching the clock in my room continue to click forward with each passing second. there was nothing to do in my room except for lay around and observe how wrecked it was. torn wallpaper, broken lamps, messy bed, stained carpet. with each month, it seemed to be getting worse and worse. i would wake up in the morning and realise what i had done.

i didn't know why i was locked away in my room. i didn't know why my room was so messed up. i didn't know anything! each night i used to try to research things, but my mom found out and took away my computer to keep me from finding out dangerous things, she said.

my oversized pink robe was lying on the floor in a small pile. i picked it up and draped it over my naked body, tying it in place. this was the only thing that never completely fell apart like my other clothes on those rough nights.

every day i tried to remember what would happen to me each month. i hurt my brain just trying to get one little thing out of it. the only thing that i could ever remember is feeling like a caged animal, making noises, tearing through my room trying to get out. i don't understand why it happens or what it is. the whole thing was just so confusing, and my mom seemed to make everything even more confusing.

i plopped down on my bed, all of the sheets piled around to make something like a nest. i sat with my eyes closed for a while until i heard the unlocking of the several locks on my door, waiting for my mom to make her way into the room with food that i smelled. 

"morning, sweetie!" mom exclaimed. she carried a tray of pancakes and bacon. "how are yo-"

she stopped speaking, realising how much more destroyed my room looked. there were odd smells and stains coming from the carpet, none of which were there the nights before. i've never wanted out this badly before, but these conditions are just horrible to live in. and she knew that, but she didn't do anything about it.

i sat on my bed feeling embarrassed. even though she was my mom, i always felt like she thought weirdly about me.

"wow. umm... i brought some breakfast for you, sunshine." she smiled a big, cheesy smile and handed me the big tray of food. it smelled delicious and i just wanted to devour the entire thing right away.

"thanks." i grabbed the tray from her quite quickly and took it over to the wooden, scratched up desk sitting next to my bed to eat.

as i ate, mom slowly inspected my room, looking up, down, and everywhere in between. she looked nervous, almost. her lips pursed and her eyes wide. i honestly don't blame her, though. i would be a bit scared if my daughter's room room like this. 

mom looked through my room, investigating the entire premises. my mind was quiet and bored, until i realized something. the door was open. she must have accidentally left it open when she came in with my food. energy sparked through my body as i thought about escaping.

yes, i wanted to escape, but what would i do? run into the woods? i can't live on my own, that's for sure. and i also can't just leave my mother behind.

but it sure would be nice getting out and running free.

i slowly got up from the floor and tiptoed toward the open door. i'm not going to get far, but maybe i want to just take a look around the house. i hadn't seen our house in six years. it was probably so nice.

i slipped out the door and down the long, narrow staircase, my room must have been up in the attic since everything was old looking and wooden. but once i got down the stairs, the house looked beautifully clean and neat. beautiful, fresh smells took over my nose and it made me feel happy and relaxed. no more mystery smells and odd stains. i looked around, forgetting what it was like to be somewhere neat. the walls were a clean peach color and there were pictures hung up on the walls of a man. i never met my dad since i was so young before he disappeared, but i knew what he looked like, and that was him. his jet black hair extended to his shoulders and his eyes were the darkest brown color, almost looking black.

i walked through the kitchen, fruits sitting in the middle of the large table, and out through the hall. our house was beautiful, and i started to vaguely remember the time i spent out here running through the house before i was locked up for the rest of my life. it was a great life.

i tiptoed into a big room that must have been mom's. she was so lucky to have such a nice room. the difference between this one and mine was so huge, i didn't even want to think about it. the whole room was black and white, making one thing stand out. a brown journal sitting on the fresh sheets. i picked it up and ran my fingers against the stiff leather. interesting.

the book was old and worn out, and the pages were dark and curled, all filled in with ink. my mom definitely didn't write through this entire journal. it must have been somebody else. i opened it and flipped through the pages without reading them thoroughly. there were pictures of wolves, forests, weapons. there were pages with math equations and writing. i was confused, but i wanted to read through it when i had a chance.

i turned around, looking down at the journal in my hands. i was excited to get back to my room and read it. maybe i could finally get answers! i was about to exit the room, when i stopped in my tracks. looking up, the realization hit me that my mom was standing in the doorway, watching me with sad eyes. 

we stood there just staring at each other for the longest time. she wasn't going to drag me back into my room, it was obvious. i waited until she decided to speak. "dana..." she whispered.

"who wrote this?" i demanded, grasping the book in my hand. i'm keeping this. " i want to know who wrote this. why do you have it? what is this?"

"i- i think it's time i told you a little bit about your father." she moved swiftly toward the bed and sat down next to me, keeping a hand on my right thigh. her eyes were closed and it seemed like she really didn't want to share any information with me. she never did. 

"he was just like you. you both had the same disease. your father was a strong, hardworking man and loved both of us very, very much. because of that, he decided to move us out to this house in the woods. it was for the best. we lived happily together until... un- until he lashed out." her hand moved to the pink scar on her head. that was from dad? "after that he packed himself a bag and disappeared into the woods, afraid of putting me and little you in harm's way."

it was silent again for a long time. i didn't really know what to say. i was so confused about the disease. what kind of disease did we have? what does she mean by lashed out? i had so many questions that i wanted to ask her, but i knew that she would either not answer them or give me the most vague answer ever. "so... you kept me locked up in my room after you realized that i was like him? why didn't you send me out into the woods or whatever?"

"i couldn't afford to lose another person dear to me. i love you, and this is the only reason i'm doing this to you." she blinked a tear out of her eye. it traveled down her cheek and fell down onto her bony shoulder.

i wish i could thank her for finally telling me something that she's kept from me for so long, but i felt angry. i wanted to find him. "do you think he's still out there, mom?" 

" i don't know."