Directioner Boy

Jen

"I want to make it up to you "says Harry

Ever since we had the discussion about Harry Styles and Harry, he's been literally been wanting to buy me everything, I never let him tho. Only once, a week ago. It was a small necklace.

We're not officially dating, but I think we are together. I would like for him to make it official though. I think it's an important part on our relationship. Especially ours, I want to be clear that we are exclusive, he's not allowed to see anyone else. As I said a while ago, Harry Styles can only be mine. Is only mine. Although I don't want to bring that up right now. Because... Well... Ugh you got me. I am still with Max. I've been meaning to break up with him but I haven't been able to. I saw him last night but he brought me some hydrangeas, and he knows how much I love hydrangeas. He wrote me a poem too. A four lined one, that I didn't really understand , but I know how much effort he put into it, I would've broken his heart. Because for once he didn't do it to try to make another sexual move on me. He usually does that to try to have sex, but this time he was sweet, kind and delicate. I had to appreciate that.

I felt guilty through all of that, because I knew I was cheating on him, I knew that he did it all for nothing, because I don't love him anymore, actually I never did. And now I love someone, and it's not him. I'll break his heart, I'm sure of it. I'll feel guilty, so guilty. If he cries I'm sure I'll cry too, and he'll get the wrong impression, he'll think it's breaking my heart too.

I have to do it soon. I have to be the one telling him. I don't want him to find out any other way, and least of all I would hate it if he finds out I'm cheating on him. Because that's what I'm doing. Cheating. What I have always sworn I wouldn't do. What i promised to myself I wouldn't do because I'd die if someone I love cheats on me. I probably couldn't take it, I couldn't be able to take it if Harry does it.

I don't like that, I don't like that Harry has the power to break me. To tear me apart with just a small decision. Just a small action.

I don't want to tell Max. But I have to. I don't want to tell him before Harry and I are official. I'm scared, I'm really scared because I'm vulnerable. I'm terrified of being alone. I can't be alone because I'm not strong enough to face things alone. I feel safe with Harry. I feel protected. I don't feel alone. I like that he can take care of me, and that he likes to take care of me

But then I have to take care of Harry. I'm cheating on him too. I can't do that. I'm telling Max. Tomorrow, or the next day but I'm telling him.

"How are you going to make it up to me " I say biting my lower lip. An attempt of teasing that I'm almost sure came out wrong.

"Let's go to the mall" he says smiling. Dimples showing. "You can choose whatever you like "

"Okay" I say shortly

"Okay?" he says surprised

"Okay, let's go to the mall. I can choose whatever I want right?" I ask

"That's the deal"

"Let's go then"

"Okay let me just put some boxers on" he says

"You're not wearing boxers?" I ask confused. He's wearing tight trousers it must be a little uncomfortable down there.

"No, I don't like to wear them inside the house" I just nod red on the face. He smiles and starts jumping up the stairs, two at a time.

I do kind of need new clothes. But I'm not going to ask for that of course, I won't let him buy me anything worth more than €10. And I'll pay him back, he won't let me but I always manage to sleep the money inside his pocket without him noticing.