It Takes As Long As It Takes

Chapter Five

She didn't remember much from the immediate days after the accident, due in part to her concussion, in part to the anesthesia used for her surgery, and in part to the multiple sedating pain medications. She went in and out of consciousness, hearing snippets of conversation around her, recognizing the voices as those of her friends and family.

Whenever she was lucid enough, they would talk to her, about anything and everything. Except for that one thing. At first, she didn't know why she would awake with a heavy feeling in her chest that made it hard for her to breath, but whenever she managed to stay awake long enough, she would remember it. She would remember that Wells was gone. And initially, that realization was so shocking and jarring to her system when it came that it caused her to shake and writhe uncontrollably until her nurses gave her enough sedating medications to calm her down.

She always felt Lexa's hand close over hers just before she lost the fight against unconsciousness.

Slowly, eventually, she awoke knowing that Wells was gone. This knowledge left her in a state of numbness and muteness that was more worrisome than her shaking fits.

When she was finally discharged from the hospital after another week of treatment, she left having gained a cast and a set of crutches, but having lost so much more.

She spent most of her days in their apartment, mostly in bed at first, though she did paint occasionally. She rarely left the apartment, blaming the inconvenience of the cast, so all of her friends took turns visiting her and organizing gatherings at her place. For all of this, Clarke was grateful. She really was. She knew that everyone was trying their best to help her forget what happened and feel back to normal. But the more they tried, the more she was reminded that everything was not normal. One of the most important people in her life was gone. Forever. And while she knew she should feel lucky for having survived the accident with just a fractured bone, and for having such a supportive group of friends, she didn't. She couldn't. She just wished that they would all leave her alone. Because all the effort of pretending to be happy and normal when she was so clearly not was extremely tiring and emotionally exhausting.

After the fourth such gatherings in as many weeks, Clarke finally had enough. Bellamy had just suggested that they all go to watch a movie that had just been released that weekend. Everyone agreed enthusiastically. When they turned to ask what she thought of the plan, instead of nodding, which she had planned to do, Clarke shouted at everyone that she had had enough of this and asked for them all to leave her alone. She then marched, with as much ferocity as she could muster while limping with her cast (not much), to her room and slammed the door, leaving Lexa to apologize to everyone and see them out.

She felt horrible after her sudden and unwarranted outburst, and so had to spend all of the following week calling everyone to apologize to them individually. Everyone was understanding of course, but the outburst had its intended effect - people no longer organized gatherings for her and left her alone unless she sought them out. Which, aside from Raven, Octavia, and sometimes Bellamy, she didn't.

It was a different story with Lexa. Since the moment she came home from the hospital, Lexa was there for everything she needed, in her own very Lexa way that showed Clarke in no uncertain terms that Lexa understood her almost better than she herself did. Lexa did not hover over her, instead giving her the space they both knew she needed to deal with this. She helped Clarke maneuver around the apartment without having to be asked, but also allowed her to do what she could by herself. Furniture and wires were repositioned in subtle ways that would reduce tripping accidents. The remotes were always within reach. Cups and dishes were suddenly rearranged for better access. The fridge and cupboards were always full of all of her favorite foods. Clarke often awoke to fresh paint supplies set up next to an empty canvas. She also knew that Lexa acquiesced to their friends' suggestions for gatherings for their own sake, not because she thought it would help. She did all of this, without being asked, and without being thanked.