PACE (Practical Accessibility and Control of Emotions)

Chapter 8 Part 1

Chapter 8

Super-philosophy

As usual Elliot was awake and up at 7:30am, he had gotten to school marginally early and first lesson: Biology. Charlotte. He hadn’t stopped thinking about her since he left Razak yesterday. But he knew what would happen; everything he did would seem out of order and awkward around Charlotte. Even though he knew Ryan wasn’t… lets just say he wasn’t happy. Charlotte occasionally looked at Elliot during the lesson and wondered why he was all alone almost every time she sees him. It was towards the end of the lesson and Mr Routledge had arranged his class to go into the library, which didn’t necessarily excite Elliot but he felt a little less self-conscious that everybody wasn’t talking. Typically Elliot did feel left out most of the time he was at school. He didn’t feel at home. But he was more confident at the library, as sad as it sounds, he made it his sanctuary: a place of refuge or safety. Unlike many of the places at school. However, he was never much of a reader. Due to the fact he was dyslexic he found it hard to focus on the world around him but he was able to understand himself better than any book. The library was a large room with a wooden ceiling 6 tables with 5 chairs on each table, rows of bookshelves full of literary and linguistic masterpieces. But also some irrelevant excuses of books that could’ve been written by a 6 year old were also there. Some of them were. As usual Elliot sat alone. Many people who approached him didn’t want to sit next to him but simply take the chairs for their other friends to sit on. This always made Elliot wonder why he was so isolated. And then he would always remember: Andrew. His third brother.

“Why is it that whenever i see you, you’re always alone?” Charlotte said, Elliot hadn’t seen her sit down.

“Don’t know. I guess I’m just not wanted” Elliot said quietly, still looking down at the book he was reading. He desperately wanted to tell someone.

“I don’t see how that’s possible.”

“Do you think I do?”  Elliot was now looking straight at Charlotte. Her luscious brown hair curled at the top of her head and ran all the way down one side of her face. He could see her cheeks shift under the pressure of her thin, light lips causing dimples to appear. Her cheeks were slightly plump; enough so that it didn’t make her look intimidating, but enough to cover her cheek bones. Elliot was struggling not to show any sign of intimidation or desperation.

He looked down at his book again.

“Do you feel like you’re alone, Elliot?”

He laughed then paused trying not to give anything away, he knew he was always afraid of making that initial impression on people. He never felt confident and it seemed like everyone around him barely knew him. “why?”

“Do you have someone who’s there for you?”

“Define that”

“Someone who challenges you?”

“Are you asking if i’m special-“

“No” She said smiling “Do you have someone who you can talk to about anything? Or someone who can relate to you?”

“I don’t know what you mean-“

“Someone who opens you up?”

“I erm... I’ve got plenty-“

“Who? Name them”

His smile stopped “Shakespeare, Lincoln, Ghandi-“

“that’s great, there all dead” she said sarcastically

“Not to me there not”. Charlotte could see a glint of water in Elliots eyes but he blinked thinking she wouldn’t notice.

“But, you can’t talk to them, they can’t give something back to you” Elliot just sat there and kept ‘reading’ his book. “You know what i think. I think you’ll never have a strong relationship with someone if you’re afraid to take the first step.” She paused “because all you see is stuff that happens in the future rather than focusing on the present”

He looked back, straight at her and leaning forward slightly “Are you just doing this because your friends told you too-“

“Don’t give me that bullshit”

He sat back “Hey, look i didn’t want this-“

“Its not about that, you can do anything you want; you are bound by nothing” She stopped “What are you passionate about?”

“I didn’t ask for this-“ Elliot was getting louder and louder

“No you didn’t-“

“Then whats wrong with it?”

“Nothing-“

“Exactly, no body cares that im alone for most of the day and i go back home acting as though everything is fine. Clicking on and off of Facebook every 10 seconds just to see what other things i’m missing out on.”

“You sound just me and like my sister”

“Exactly, everybody does it. What’s wrong with spending most of your time playing video games, drinking until your organs spill out, revising until your heads going to explode.”

“So you’re saying it’s okay to be alone for most of the day? Sure. That’s why you’re like this its because you choose to be.” Elliot kept looking at her. He realised she wasn’t doing this out of aggression but more as means to make him think. She continued; “You could be alone anywhere in the world, by why do you choose to do it in a place that’s one of the biggest social gatherings in your whole life? Why have you suddenly become so smart that even a few people in the world could do but you can-“

“that’s not that hard-“

She ignored him “and then act like it was nothing?” There was a pause. Elliot looked around to see what other people were doing, but everything was just how it should be. Charlotte spoke again, but this time it was more sympathetic and calm; “That’s not very honourable... So what do you really want to do?” He thought for a moment. “I want to go to the US and pursue my dream of acting” He said, not caring and sounding very sarcastic.

“Fucking great.” For the first time she sat back in her seat. Elliot moved forward.

“Why don’t we talk about you? Where’s your person that you can tell anything to?”

She went quiet “Gone-“

“Thats right there gone, so thats it then you just pay the price and then you just walk away?”

“At least i tried”

“Yeah and failed, but some people who lose something like that have the strength to get back up and start again” Elliot said, sternly. His eyes were wide, his mouth was open like he couldn’t say anymore, and he frowned so angrily at her: he had released everything to her. But Charlotte went quiet but just said 6 words.

“What do you want to do?”.

Elliots mouth became dry and he swallowed. He closed his book, looked away from Charlotte and he sat back in his chair. Charlotte responded; “Bullshit. You’ve got a bullshit answer for everybody, but i ask you a simple question and...” She paused realising something “...you can’t give me a straight answer”

“I want to show you something”