While The Sun is Up

chapter two | how everything started

Playlist for this chapter:

"When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight." - It ends tonight by All American Rejects

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I pull out the driveway as soon as possible, pushing a single thought of Devin away and fixing my eyes on the road.

The rigid steering wheel is tight on my grip as I drive down with no single destination. I don't watch my speed, neither do I care about getting another ticket from the cops for over-speeding. But Dad always tell me to stay away from driving whenever I'm drunk or when I'm in full anger.

So this time, I decided to pull the car aside under Dad's favour.

The thick silence is drenching the car, slowly drowning in my existence. I spend every second, every minute in solitude. Time is ticking like the life of little ants; so fast but so slow. However, I'm still here waiting. Waiting for the world to go on without my control even though every bit of me understands how insane that sounds. I close my eyes in surrender, abusing my own knuckles by a tough stud on the interior door and I let out a hiss of physical pain.

It is just the sound of the whining cars and the music playing on some kind of local radio suffocating my ears. And I thought, what exactly is my problem anyways?

But my mind can't give any answer.

Talking to anyone is not what I need right now. I want space and time. I need to properly take in things chronologically.

Dean and I don't see each other often enough at school days, and our age is to be blamed. Nevertheless, during lunch time, we'd spend it on a drive to his favourite burger joint, The Burger House. When we first started talking, he used to tell me about how much he loves the retro diner that he'd visit almost every single lunch time with his football buddies that groups about eight people. Including Devin Kyle.

Though I assume that hasn't been happening ever since we officially got together because from that onward, he's always driving me to the place during lunch time, though I always see them at the table on the corner every time Dean and I both walk in together. It surprises me all the time how they always arrive before we do. Most of his friends don't like me, and I never asked them to. I don't know how or why, they just never do. Dean did make an effort to change that, but I backed away. I loathe placing my self into a situation I don't feel comfortable with.

I've unintentionally been a barrier, their barrier for the past 15 months. And this brings up more reason of what a mess I am.

Another place that I love comes into mind. The only place closest to peace that I could think of.

Straightening my posture with one hand back on the steering wheel and the other on the gear, looking rear-view mirror to make sure no car is slipping ahead, I go back into the main road.

After a short drive, I'm finally entering the lot, the greenery slowly becoming more and more visible as I speed down, covering the distance. In no time, an empty spot surprises me, probably the only one left, so I put my car into a halt. At least the empty spot kind of cheers me up. Just a little bit.

Before leaving, I check my phone to 16:43 on the screen. And a couple of text messages from Dean. I don't want any virtual communications just yet. Especially with Dean. I switch my phone off, tossing it back to the passenger seat and make my self out.

I take my step slowly on the pathway, greeted by the crisp air tagging along the spring breeze afternoon, splashing my hair into a more terrible mess I have been. The sky is so clear as it guards the yellow core, happily shining bright across Portland's little city for the very first time in months.