Hello Internet ✹ Phan

Two

When I got home, I went to my room.
Fucking hell... What is my life...
I got online and saw that there was a new video.

Amazingphil.

Great.. What the hell does he have to say?

I clicked to watch his newest video, entitled "Dan".

"Hey guys. So I just got back from the mall an hour ago and I gotta say.. It was interesting.."
"Wow. How nice." I said out loud, mockingly. My mum wasn't home as she left for work after picking me up from the mall.

"This guy.. His name is Dan. He's been a fan of my videos for a while, for as long as I've been making them really. He moved here from Berkshire."
I started to feel dizzy. He was talking about me online... To all of his subscribers...

"He's really cool.." He was biting his tongue as he smiled. "I got to know him and.. I don't know.. It was like I've known him forever. He's about my height, just a little bit shorter. Something about his deep brown eyes made me feel comfortable, but nervous at the same time."

I paused the video and opened a new tab, logging onto Facebook. I found his phone number on his profile and called him.

I called him. Me. The shy, fifteen year old, gay boy.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is this Phil?" I said, nervously.

"Speaking."

"Hey.. It's uh... It's Dan."

"How the hell did you get my number? You bloody stalker!"

"No, no, no. Phil, I-"

"Leave me alone, okay? I'm straight."

I felt my heart shatter as he hung up.

I set my phone down and closed out the second tab, then continued watching the video.

"He's... He's gay. We kissed and I felt so weird after it. I'm straight.. I've always been straight."
Tears poured down my cheeks.

"But he was so nice. I ran from him. I'm not really sure what's going on. I've seen him online before and he comments on some of my videos... Thanks for listening to my confusion. I love you guys, see you next time."

The video ended and I felt terrible. I moved to Rawtenstall to have a new start, and now I feel just as heartbroken and sad as before.

I threw myself into my bed and cried into my pillow.

Fucking hell... I fell for a nineteen year old YouTuber and thought it would all work out? I thought he'd be in love with me too? I honestly thought he did like me....he kissed me. He KISSED ME.

I couldn't bear crying anymore. I got out of bed and found the pocketknife I kept in my drawer. I drew a few lines. Each one hurt worse than the last.

I wrapped my arms in gauze to keep from bleeding all over my jumper. I laid back down and stared at the ceiling.
"Phil Lester... Amazingphil.. He kissed me and made a video about me." I put my hand to my face. "He's straight."

The next day, school returned. It was my first day at school in Rawtenstall.

"Class, I'd like you to meet Dan. He's new to Rawtenstall."
I walked in.
"Would you like to introduce yourself?"

"Hi. I'm Dan. I'm from Berkshire, so I talk like a southern Brit." I joked. "I have a little brother who's five and I live with him and my mum."

I sat down in an empty seat. It was so different. I spoke in class without hearing laughter from my tormentors.