The DreamWalker Series

Losing You - spiraling

Rand found her that evening in his bed, in that panicked state between waking and dream. A pillow clutched in her arms, she was curled in on herself, mind racing, body tense. He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. She felt the weight shift on the mattress as he kicked off his shoes. She sat up, thankful for the distraction.

"I knew Stella would give you a hard time, but you shouldn't let it..." he tried.

"It wasn't Stella," she cut him off.

"Then what, Ellette? What have you sullen and brooding now?" There was an edge to his tone and a surge of guilt washed over her. Here she was worrying about him, anxious for him to return home. Yet she welcomed him with brooding and sharp words.

"Boris, I ran into Boris..." she muttered.

"Ah, funny. I ran into Jessie today, told her you were looking for her."

Ellette studied him, wondering what had conspired between them. "Did she say something?"

"That woman, she pries." He shook his head. "No, worse than that. She pushes, provokes."

Ellette crawled over to him. "She must have really struck a nerve," Ellette managed as gently and she could muster. After her evening, the anger and desperation Boris' revelation had brought out in her, it was hard to focus, to try and give when she had so little to give.

"She knows things she shouldn't, Ellette," he said finally softening and turning to her. "It worries me, especially after what you said happened at the cabin."

"With your mother?" Ellette wondered.

He shook his head slowly. "She asked if I'd ever wondered what it would be like to play like I used to." He said no more, letting it sink in.

"Surely it was just an honest question. I'm not the only one who has longed to hear you play..." She stopped herself. It was hard enough for him, but to continually remind him of his loss, it was cruel.

"She wanted to know if I'd been having strange dreams as well since we've gotten so close." He took her hand. "There was so much more behind her questions. She studied me with each one, hoping for a reaction. She left saying how nice it must be to dream so clearly, to be able to be who you want to be for a night, how I must envy you."

"Do you?" she asked, and he squeezed her hand, head bowed.

"I'd be lying if I didn't. After the first time, I found myself wishing I could go with you again. I know what a burden you find the walks at times. If I could help... And then, the second time," he looked up, studying her features. "It was a dream come true to play again."

She reached out to him, fingertips tracing along that face, aged by pain, those eyes that were so deep, and had such an endless capacity for hope, for love. She leaned in to kiss him lightly.

"I will take you again," she said softly. "Someday." It was a promise she knew she must make and yet was terrified of fulfilling.

He pressed his forehead against hers. "Not until you're ready," his voice was breathy and soft, "I know how much it scares you, to not know."

She closed her eyes, wondering if she would ever feel safe. If her ability would ever feel like a gift again. It was for Rand, but for her, it was swiftly becoming a curse. "I don't know what to think anymore, Rand," she admitted after a long moment. "Boris... he knows. He knows like Jessie knows."

"How can that gangly college kid possibly..." Rand asked, his voice suddenly gruff with... Ellette looked up, meeting his eyes. Could it be? Was there a hint of jealousy?

"He ran into me on the street. After all the time I spent looking for him in the past, and now he manages to find me whenever he chooses. So he basically talks me out of finding Jessie and I bring him here to show him my journals. I thought nothing of it, after all, a psychology student, what would he make of dreams, my dreams." She laughed bitterly at the memory. "He didn't waste much time. He claims he's 'friend to all Dreamwalkers, and has been for centuries,'" she quoted. "He even claims he helped you find me."

Now it was Rand's turn to stare at her silent and pondering. After a long moment, he reached out to her, pulling her against him. "That's not entirely bad, is it?"

She shook her head. "No, but I don't like it. And what does it mean? How long has this 'kid' been around? Who are these people manipulating and using me."

He murmured his agreement. "That's what bothered me so much about Jessie today. I got this very distinct feeling of being played. That she wants something."

Ellette pressed her face into him, enjoying the scent of his clothes, faintly medicinal and musky from a day's worth of work and sweat despite the fact that he changed from his scrubs before coming home. His arms settled around her shoulders, and he rested his cheek on the top of her head. "You wanted answers. If Boris knows something, you should listen I suppose."

She nodded and pulled away slightly. "It just felt so wrong, Rand. How could he have been watching, just watching all this time?"

"Honestly, I still don't see how we managed to run into each other during that heatwave. How I managed to find an apartment near the same park you frequent. I thought it was fate."

"Fate, or a kid named Boris who is a lot older than he lets on." She put her cheek back against him and closed her eyes. It was exhausting, all of it. From Evelyn to Jessie, to Boris. Just a couple of days prior they had been content to build their relationship, that had been all that had mattered. Just the two of them. Jessie had been an odd busking companion of Rand's and Boris had been a chance encounter that had turned into a budding friendship. Seemingly overnight everything had changed.

Rand stroked her hair. "It's just a lot to take all at once. It'll be fine. Answers are what you wanted, what we both needed, right?"

She nodded. "Answers would be good..."

With that, Rand loosened his hold on her and shifted to stand. "I'm exhausted. It was like everyone at work left everything for me. Then we lost a patient. I was already in a bad mood Jessie finds me on my way home, starts in on me with her cryptic questions. At this point, all I want is a good night's sleep."

"That would be nice," Ellette muttered.

Rand reached out and ruffled her hair. "Remember what Jessie told you before."

"I know, don't fight it. " She wrapped her arms around her knees. "It would help if I didn't feel like I was being used."

Rand, changing into his sweats nodded and considered. "Haven't you always been used, granted, you always assumed it was for the greater good, in these dreamwalks?"

"But now it's complicated. It's like I can see the strings. I liked to dream to escape, to be better than I am, and it turns out all I am is a pawn..."

"Like you no longer have control..." His voice was soft with reminiscence. "Believe me, I know the feeling."

She nodded, life spiraling out of control, it was a familiarly gut-wrenching feeling. It was what got her into this mess. She'd broken through the barriers of her own mind to escape a reality that was beyond her control. Dreams had been an escape. She had been the powerful one helping those in need, guided by a benevolent mother. Now that same benevolent hand felt more oppressive, controlling, and demanding. Not only that, but there were others watching. Waking or sleeping, her life as not hers. And she was beginning to wonder if it had ever been.