State Of Consciousness

Self Identified

I'm slowly learning who I am
Trying to figure out if I am who I want to be
And now I see
I can't be myself when my heart isn't free
My heart is so heavy and my eyes are getting baggy.

It's actually pretty funny
How I'm always sleepy but never awake
And there's never a day when I don't wonder how much longer this life will take
Is it bad that I look forward to the end
Is it bad that my smiles are fake
They aren't always just most days
I'm trying to forget my broken past
But it's hard when the shards stick to my back.
Memories of stepping on broken glass overwhelm me
Literally and metaphorically.

No one sees the scars that go deeper than my skin
The scars growing from within
Conjuring pain that causes me to cringe
A pain that makes me want to binge
But I don't because the absence of a knock at the door tells me that it's off the hinge
No one gets to see me crying on my bedroom floor.

I don't deserve pity.

I don't deserve sympathy.

I am trying I am but let's face it.
This isn't about happiness.
It's about self identification.
Getting to a place where my dreams don't rot.
A place where my head isn't hot.
A place where peace is the only thing that matters a lot.

And I'm just not in that place.
My mind can't yet fit into that space because

I'm crawling on the border of self love and self hate
But who is the me that I love?

The fearless and carefree yet cautious.
The loving and excepting.
The rational thinker who makes irrational decisions.
The intelligent although I've faltered in my precision
Is it really me or do I suffer from clouded vision.
Well I've had some time to think and I've come to a conclusion

I am who I am even when I'm not.

A/N~Hii I appreciate the reads and votes may not be many but it's a start. Please do share, vote, and comment. It really means a lot! ❤