Cranberry Clairvoyant (Azealia Banks Story)

Just That and Nothing Else

You must find your purpose to set yourself free, but you are being distracted from the purpose. Do not stray.

I didn’t know how the candle happened to land upright on its bottom when I dropped it, and my mother didn’t seem to know either. When she walked into the room to see me staring out of the window with a candle in my hand, preparing to throw it down, she shrieked “Young woman!”

Not even Azealia. It was as if she forgot my name even from earlier today when she congratulated me for finding the room.

The lit part of the candle did touch the floor when I threw it, only it just grazed the wood and burned it before snapping back in place. Both my mother and I were too bewildered to say anything for a few seconds.

“What are you doing? You’re not allowed in here! Get out this instant!” She yelled. I rushed out of the room as if it was a reflex. The authority in her voice was something I’d never heard before. Was she like this with everyone else besides me, and now that she thought I wasn’t her child I got the same treatment?

A pang of regret hit me suddenly when I realized what was happening as she slammed the door and walked away, leaving me in the hallway. She was drifting away from me. We’d made a connection earlier and somehow I ruined it.

Darrius ruined it.

Once his name came to my mind, I charged for downstairs. Fortunately, my mother was already downstairs, making it easier for me to avoid her. I went down the stairs, out the door and onto the beach with anger swelling up inside of me. The song that had been playing when I was in the room had ended, and now something that my father probably requested was on, so everyone was taking a break from dancing. Darrius and Alexis were over at the refreshments table; he handed her a full cup of fruit punch or whatever they were serving with a smile on his face. The same smile he had when I was upstairs. A different smile than the one he always gave me, whether better or worse I didn’t know.

“Hey, Azealia!” I heard a voice call. Was it Milan? I didn’t know. I couldn’t turn my head either, because that would only let her see the anger in my eyes and ask what was wrong. Then that would prevent me from doing what I did next.

Alexis opened her mouth to give me an awkward hello, as if she didn’t expect me to be there, when I grabbed Darrius’ arm as hard as I could and pulled him away. His cup fell from his and he tried pulling away from me, protesting as the rest of them watched. But as I discovered, I was stronger than I’d ever been when I was angry. I pulled him all the way to the far side of the beach, where we were isolated and alone besides the trees that didn’t care about the incident.

“What the hell are you doing?” Darrius exclaimed once I let him go. He shook his wrist from the pain. “And why are you so strong?”

“What are you doing, Darrius? Huh? How could you?” I screamed.

“Azealia, I don’t know what you’re talking about and I honestly don’t care. Whatever it is doesn’t excuse you coming and pulling me that way.” He said.

“Oh, okay. So what, do you want me to apologize?”

“Yeah, actually.”

“Well I want you to apologize for going out there and clinging onto Alexis like she was a magnet.” I spat.

Darrius made a “you’ve got to be kidding me” face, and I wanted to pick up a handful of sand and throw it at him. “That’s why you’re upset? Because I was dancing with Alexis? How did you even know?”

“Darrius, you say it like that’s not a reason to be upset. Yes! I was up in my grandmother’s room when I caught you with her. All you two had left to do was kiss!”

He rolled his eyes and walked a few steps away from me, like he couldn’t stand being close to me. “That’s not a reason to be upset, Azealia. It’s not.”

I stomped over to where he stood. “Really? Okay, then. How would you feel if you saw me down there body-to-body with Ezekiel?”

“Well I wouldn’t come down there and drag you because you’re not my girlfriend, Azealia!”

I felt it now.

The tears were always in my eyes, but now, after he said it, they stung. One of them finally rolled down, too, and then another. Darrius couldn’t look at me when I cried. He looked at everything but me: the sand, the water, the sky, the trees behind me. But he just couldn’t stand to look me in the eye and see me cry. He didn’t have to, anyway. Why should he? I wasn’t his girlfriend, after all.

I should have known it would come down to this. While we were out on Atlantis, the thought occurred to me. Sure, I tried hard not to acknowledge it, but I eventually asked myself the question at one point: Am I becoming too attached to Darrius? It wasn’t the question that was the problem, but the fact that I never answered it. If I’d realized that I was become overly attached to him, I could save myself. I could detach myself and keep us at a friendly level. That would save me from the hurt I was feeling now.

I wasn’t his girlfriend.

Suddenly he came over to me, still angry, and grasped me by my shoulders. He shook me as hard as he could, as hard as anyone possibly could. My head shook along with my body but I didn’t try to fight him off. I couldn’t move, anyway. When he let go, I was dizzy and annoyed.

“Stop crying.” Darrius ordered. “Don’t act like that now. You know very well that you never saw me as anything more than ‘Friendly Darrius’, the one who you waved to, the one who apparently had powers. You always saw me as someone who was just around, just there at your disposal. Azealia, you’d never see me as anything more than that and you and I both know it.”

I wiped the tears from my cheeks roughly. “You’re a liar. You’re lying and you and I both know that.”

Darrius passed his hand through his newly trimmed hair and sighed. “Goodnight, Azealia. I’ve nothing more to tell you.”

And then he walked away until I was alone, standing there and listening to the sounds of happy music and happy people.

Before I had any time to reflect on any of it, something flew by me. The silhouette ran quickly, as if it deliberately tried to avoid eye contact. I swiveled my head to the right and left, looking for whatever had run. I saw nothing.

“Hello?” My voice echoed just like it did in grandma’s room. The only difference was that this time, I got a response.

A girl appeared in front of me, someone who looked a lot like the porcelain dolls that fell and broke. She wore an array of mint green and off-white frills that I couldn’t identify as shirt, skirt or pants, and held a teddy bear in her hands. Her hair was long and reached down to the middle of her back, brown and curled like mine. For a moment, I thought she was really a doll, given her short height and the way her skin was blemish-free.

“Hush,” She whispered, lifting a finger to her lips. “Let me help you.”

I studied her long and hard, my fear growing by the second. She’d kill me!

“No!”

I pushed her into the water only for my hands to feel a strange tingly sensation. Her body glistened like a hologram when I touched her, yet she still fell into the water from my push. She sank until I could no longer see her, and all that followed was a series of bubbles. A goodbye, so to speak.

A hallucination. Maybe all of this was a hallucination.