A Year of Stories (Collection Two)

The New Candidate

"Wait a minute, I'm not...terrible. I mean, it's not my best subject but..."

"Eli, you don't mind if I call you Eli, do you?"

"Um, no...."

"Great. Eli, I could ask you another question to prove your point, but we still have a very long way to go, and you only have 4 minutes and 13 seconds before you stop breathing. Would you like another question?"

"No. No, I think I'm good."

"Fantastic! Question number four, are you terrible at geography?"

"Hey!"

"That is not an answer."

"Are you really a computer program?"

"Yes. I am a computer program. That is also not an answer to the question. Eli, are you terrible at geography?"

"I...Fine, I am! I'm terrible at geography!"

"Great. You see, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You might be surprised..."

"I am a computer program, I am never surprised. Question number five, if you could be one animal, what would be?"

"A wolf."

"How...boring."

"Question number six, if you were to be forcibly transformed into one animal, what would be?"

"If I have a choice, I'm not really being forced, am I?"

"That is also correct, we wouldn't give you a choice, that would silly. Excellent!"

"Wait a second...what?"

"I could wait a second, I could wait many seconds, but if I wait more than 187 seconds – you will be dead. How many seconds would you like me to wait?"

"Zero! Just keep going!"

"I'm sorry, I can't really do that. It takes a finite amount of time for me to ask questions. I'm sure you understand. It would be very difficult to ask a question in zero seconds. I could make an attempt, but I fear..."

"Five seconds! Wait five seconds!"

"As you wish...Question number six, if you were placed in a room with three people – one with blonde hair, one with black hair, and one with purple hair – which would you kill?"