A Year of Stories (Collection Two)

It's Our Pleasure to Inform You

Dear Sir or Madame,

If you're receiving this letter, it's our pleasure to inform you, that you have died.

This can be quite a shock for some, so we suggest that you take a moment to sit down, breath, and acclimate yourself to your new situation.

Are you sitting?

Are you breathing?

Good!

If you followed our directions, you will have discovered, that you don't actually have to breath anymore – this is one of the many advantages of being dead, the rest of this message is designed to familiarize you with some of the rest, so that you can get the most out of your brand new journey!

If you're like most people, you're probably wondering how you died.

Unfortunately, we can't help you there. The whole "passing over" thing is a lot more complicated than you might imagine, involving a lot of n-th dimensional calculus, gene re-sorting, and all manner of super-scientific whizz-bangery, operating at a scale that would have made your old, human brain explode into a mess of off-grey paste.

The point is that certain things are lost in the process, and the last few minutes of your mortal life are one of those things.

You might be sad now, but think about it this way, you won't ever have to worry about being burdened with all that debilitating trauma!

Advantage!

You may have also noticed, that you now have the ability to travel into the past.

Pretty cool, right?

We think so.

It also serves a very, very practical purpose. The Afterlife has to accommodate every living thing that has ever existed. When we first started this experiment, we just sort of kept building – towers, spires, grand citadels encased in crystalline spheres, etc... we built and we built and we built, until finally – we just ran out of room – which for us, is pretty difficult.

You folks multiply like Jackrabbits, and the Jackrabbits multiply like Jackrabbits – all of which is very inconvenient.

Anywho, some delightfully smart people came up with a better solution, we had been trying to squeeze everyone into three spatial dimensions like idiots – we had forgotten all about Time!

We had also forgotten about Ultra Time and Hyper Time, but when we tried to put you there...Well, lets just say we didn't make that mistake again...

Time was perfect! Now you have all the room you could ever want to spread out and enjoy yourselves. And we do want you to enjoy yourselves!

Feel free to go see some Dinosaurs, or visit your favorite war, or maybe even watch yourself being born, whatever makes you happy. No one will be able to see, touch, taste, smell or hear you (despite what they may believe), so don't be afraid to let loose!

And if you want some company, just think about your favorite dead person, and as long as they don't have their privacy screen on, you'll be right by their side in a snap.

Did we mention that you're immortal now? We figured that dying once is enough for most people, and thought it would be needlessly cruel to put you through that mess again, so we have ensured that you are immune to just about everything that might try to turn you into a corpse – including the Time Wryms – you haven't met them yet, but when you do, you'll be glad you're immortal!

While exploring all of human history should take up most of your attention, we have found that some people still have a hard time adjusting to their new condition.

To help out, we have arranged for a group of specialized counselors.

You're going you to love this! They look like Penguins, in top hats, and they say nice things about you while stroking your hair. They are pretty much the most adorable things that have ever existed, and we would know. So, if you're ever feeling a bit down, just imagine Penguin People in top hats, and you'll be zipped right over to our Counseling Center.

At this point, I know what you must be asking yourself, "Who are these people? And where can I find them to say 'hello'?"

Well.

You can't.

That's the one rule.

You can't find us and you should never, ever look.

Not ever.

I can't stress enough how terribly, terribly stupid it would be to look for us.

We do not want to be friends, we do not want to be found, by you or by anyone else.

And before you ask, you may be immortal, but there are things in this Universe far, far worse than death – we can assure you of that.

Abyssus abyssum invocat...

Well, there you have it!

Now that you're all caught up on your new existence, we want you to get out there and start having fun!

If you need anything at all, be sure you reach out to the Penguins.

Good luck!