To Learn Compassion

2

Conveniently enough, the next time I see Jasper is at a party. I spot him in the kitchen talking to his boys. Piper isn't around and I take up the chance and outstretch my hand, grasping the hem of his loose black t-shirt in my nimble fingers. He looks down at his shirt and his blue eyes follow my hand, up my arm and to my face.
His brows furrow together, holding his bright eyes and I smell aftershave on him. His beard is freshly shaved and he looks so clean. It reminds me of him in that black suit, in his car, making that bewildered expression.
I gulp, feeling oddly nervous although I know I held the power. Actually, my phone held the power.
'Hi,' he raises a brow. All his friends narrow in on me, all eyeing me up in the navy blue fitted dress I wore today. I was hoping Richard would be here and he'd see me in it. Apparently he's not here though. 'You're Cleo, right?'
I nod and look away from his friends. My business isn't with them.
'I need to speak to you,' I pull his t-shirt lightly. He glances down at my hold on him and then slowly lifts his gaze back to me.
'About what?' He shoots confused glances to his friends who shrug.
'Believe me, you'll want to hear this. Actually you're just better off hearing this. I don't think you'll be very happy at all.'
He lifts his chin, staring me down before sighing. 'Alright, let's go.'
Finally.
I let go of his shirt and walk through the crowd, bumping in to shoulders and throwing glares at people as they drunkenly nudge me.
I mount the states and glance behind me to see Jasper following but his eyes are trained on my ass in the dress rather than me.
I roll my eyes and climb the rest of the way until we reach the landing.
'What is this about?' He says in that deep voice and I open a random door and it leads to a thankfully empty bedroom.
I hold it open for him and he walks in.
'You'll see soon enough.'
He eyes me skeptically and takes a seat on the bed.
Closing the door behind me, I lock it. After testing the door I finally face Jasper.
The room is slightly old fashioned with the floral wallpaper, velvet and wooden vanity, intricately designed wardrobes and it's tall four-poster bed. This must be the host's parent's bedroom.
'Okay,' I exhale and stand in front of him. He looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue. 'I need you to do me a favour,' I clear my throat. For some reason I'm feeling really hot. I can't get the image of his lustful face out of my head as he gained pleasure from an older woman.
'A favour? I don't even know you,' he narrows his eyes at me. 'What is it?'
'It's a little extreme but I'm sure it could be enjoyable.'
He becomes tense and his eyes take my body, searching for any signs of my motive. 'Just tell me already.'
I pace in front of him in the dimly lit room.
'I need you to take my virginity.'
The room falls silent and the tension in the air could be only be cut with a very sharp knife.
'What?'
Before he can come up with any more assumptions, I quickly finish my what I have to say.
'Not just take it, get me used to it. I have to be rid of it.'
'Get rid of it? Being a virgin isn't a disease?' He spits out.
I ruffle my hair in annoyance. 'It might as well be. I need it gone.'
'Did Piper set you up to this? What the hell is going on?' He snaps and stands.
He passes me, stalking towards the door. Oh shit, I can't let him leave now.
I race to the door before him and barricade it with my body.
'Just hear me out,' I look up at him and the threatening glare is enough to make me falter. He's kind of scary.
'You have one minute.'
'Okay,' I say shakily. 'I'm not friends with Piper, it's has nothing to do with her. I just need it gone.'
'You're asking me to cheat on my girlfriend.'
I scoff. He's fucking her mom and he's playing innocent now?
'Look, just once then. It's for a guy and I know he doesn't do virgins. I really like him and he won't look at me twice if he still thinks I'm still innocent little Cleo.'
He takes a few steps back and runs a hand through his hair. 'Just fake it then.'
I shake my head. 'I'm inexperienced and I don't know about this stuff.'
'Watch porn!' He exclaims. 'Simple as.'
'I've tried,' I huff. 'It doesn't do anything for me. It makes me feel a little strange, sure, but I don't know how to use my fingers or anything.'
'I'm not doing it,' he shakes his head. 'What kind of favour is that. I don't even know you.'
'Okay, what do you want to know?' I sigh. Why is this not working? Isn't he a sleaze who will sleep with anyone? He's having sex with her mom!
'Who's the guy?'
'Richard,' I tell him easily. Either way, I have him in my grasp and he doesn't know it yet but I have the pictures to back me up.
'Richard? Seriously? He's a douche, though,' Jasper chuckles.
I narrow my eyes at him. 'Shut up. He's not,' I say defensively. Richard is nice to me. And I know that's all good and well but I don't want him to just be polite to me. I want affection. Well, I want to want affection.
'Why me?'
I shift my weight to my other leg uneasily. 'You're experienced and I thought you were a douche.'
He glares roughly. 'Calling me a douche isn't helping your cause.'
'Sorry,' I grin sheepishly.
'Okay, so why don't you just seduce a random guy?'
I roll my eyes. 'I supposedly don't have any compassion and flirting with guys doesn't really fit in my category. I barely have friends so having a boyfriend is unlikely. Besides, I chose you.'
'So you're a loser?'
I shrug, unaffected. 'Possibly. Any more questions?'
'No, I still don't want to do it.'
'Why?'
He approaches me quickly and raises his fist. I wince, thinking he's going to hit me but the door shakes beside my head and I hear a loud thump. When I open my eyes, his fist is beside my head and he's glowering down at me. 'How long before you rat me out to Piper? I just know she put you up to this.'
I sigh and side step away from him. 'I didn't want to have to do this,' I tell him.
'Do what?' He snarls from my left.
I open the photo gallery on my phone.
'I was hoping you'd just go with it but I guess I had to use them.'
'What?' He snaps impatiently and I throw my phone at him. He catches it swiftly and stares at the screen. His eyes widen and he looks up at me wearily. In his expression I see confusion, fear, anger and recognition.
'Where did you get these?'
I admire my manicured nails as I reply. 'I took them. Both of you seriously steamed up that car.'
'You were watching us? How long were you there?' He growls and throws my phone. It flies past me bounces on the bed before coming to a stop.
'You've seen the photos. I was there till the very end.'
Jasper storms towards me and I stand tall, not allowing him to see me waver. He grabs my arm and shakes me roughly.
'Jheeze, that's not way to treat a lady,' I smirk.
'How long were you planning this? You've been fucking stalking me for weeks, months, who knows! You're a fucking psychotic little bitch.'
I let out a sardonic laugh and throw my head back. I place my hands on his chest and slowly slide them up and rest them on his shoulders. 'A crazy bitch? A sneaky stalker-ish obsessive little psycho?' I say in a low voice and then tip toe and lean close so that my mouth is at his ear. 'Sorry, doc,' I breathe. 'I still get confused sometimes.'
My fairly well endowed chest is pressed flush against his hard, toned chest. His chest is rising and falling more distinctly than before. 'What the hell is wrong with you?' He asks quietly as if he's seriously curious. He wouldn't be the first.
'I decline to answer.'
'You don't seem that inexperienced,' he states in a questioning tone.
'My attitude isn't good enough. I need physical proof. I need you to do things to me.'
'You're blackmailing me?'
'Precisely. If you don't comply to my favour then I'll send those pictures to your girlfriend or harass Mrs Lenore wherever and however I please.'
Jasper audibly grinds his teeth before replying. 'You're seriously messed up.'
He shoves me off his chest and I stumble back balancing myself with one of the posts on the bed.
'I know, right?' I chuckle. 'So here's how it's going to go. You're going to take my virginity and you're going to make me enjoy it. I don't want to be as tight as I am now when I go to Richard. I want experience.'
'So you'd give me head?'
I consider it and nod. Blowjobs are normal in relationship. That also counts as experience and if Richard expects it, I want to learn it. 'Yeah, why not?'
He huffs. 'I'd delete these pictures but I know you have copies otherwise you wouldn't hand them to me so easily.'
My heart misses a beat momentarily. I didn't back up the pictures. It didn't even cross my mind. 'Exactly,' I grin at him. He doesn't need to know that I don't have copies.
'You're fucking weird, kid. You're practically sexually harassing me.'
I roll my eyes at him. 'Cry me a fucking river.'
He sighs and drops on to the bed, sitting down and crossing his arms and ankles. 'Fine, what do you need me to do?'
'Sex, head, kissing, flirting; I need you to teach me.'
'Kissing? I can't tell if you're innocent or not because you're so damn evil. Or just psychotic and obsessive.'
'Does it matter what I am? I have the pictures. You just need to comply. It's not even, like, a big deal.'
'Okay, I'll do it. But if you want to learn, we do it in my time and we play by my rules. Don't talk to Piper, don't look at her and especially keep them pictures to yourself.'
I light up instantly, a broad grin making its way on to my lips. 'Is it appropriate for me to thank you?'
He scoffs. 'You're blackmailing me.' He makes it sound worse than it is.
'You're fucking your girlfriend's mom,' I throw back at him.
'You're a bad person.' Is that supposed to be an insult?
'You're worse,' I edge closer to him.
'Touché,' his frown splits in to a grin which he quickly covers up.
I clear my throat and our eyes meet. Now we're only standing a foot apart and I'm looking down at him because he's sitting on the bed.
I really want this to work. I've been pining for Richard for most of my life and he's never looked at me as any more than his little sisters clumsy dead-eyed friend. I'm not like other people. I've never received compassion so I've never given it but I want to learn it. I don't want to encourage this emotionless cycle where I fall pregnant and neglect my children and be this incurable bitch for the rest of my life. I can't let my unfortunate upbringing ruin my life. That's what the doctors told me. I have to learn compassion and Richard can show me that but first I need Jasper to take me there.
'I just have one question,' Jasper murmurs as I place my left hand on his shoulder.
'You've asked plenty,' I breathe.
'Why do you need to learn like this? Why not like a normal person?'
I frown at the question. A normal person? 'I spent the last two years in a hospital because step-daddy thinks I need professional help. He's right. I did need it. Only when I realised that they finally let me out. But nothing's really changed,' I look down, away from him. The expression on his face tells me he's surprised. 'I could still watch you burn and sit there like it's entertainment. I'm not happy but I sure as hell ain't sad. I just don't care. I need Richard to stop that.'
'How, though?' Jasper looks bemused. 'How can he help you?'
My shoulders sag and I clamber on to the bed, sitting cross legged at his side. 'I've always liked Richard, despite everything. He's always nice to me and when he got older he'd always bring girls to his house. I knew he didn't see me in anyway and then one day this girl confessed to him. He told her he doesn't do virgins and he insulted her, too. Made fun of her. I though he'd grow out of it but it happened again. The third time it happened I knew I'd have no chance. I don't want that to happen to me.'
Jasper doesn't say anything for a while. 'You're right. You do seem human when you talk about him.'
Hearing that sparks something in me. Richard really is going to change me.
'Okay, can we start?' I lean forwards in my seat.
'Jheeze, eager beaver,' he chuckles and I jump up to my knees and shuffle towards him.
'Tell me what to do,' I order him and wait for further instructions.
Jaspers eyes fall from my face to my body. My chest looks large in the dress and it emphasises my small waist which are followed up by widening hips. Jasper takes my hand, feeling my smooth skin in his rougher hands. He places both my hands on his shoulder and I'm looking down at him again as we face each other, seated on the bed.
His blue eyes are like windows to his soul and it gets hard to look away.
'Cleo,' he says in a raspy voices and his left hand travels up my arm and he combs his fingers through my hair, brushing it all to one side.
'Yes?' I breathe. The feeling of his hands in my hair is sensational and I close my eyes, pushing my head in to his hand, not wanting him to stop.
'Kiss me,' he orders and I peel my eyes open. My gaze drop down to his films soft lips. They're so red I could just bite them.
I've never kissed anyone in my life but right now I'm so excited to feel the plumbers of his lips against mine.
So how do I do this? Just push my lips against his? Do I have to shape them in anyway? He didn't even give me a hint!
'Wait, I don't know how to do this,' I tell him and move back, giving us space.
'Look Cleo, your overthinking it. That's completely normal to overthink it the first time,' he pulls my arm, encouraging me. 'Just press your lips to mine. It's that easy.'
'That's it?' I gasp.
'Yes,' he urges me and pull my arm again.
I lower my head and slant my lips over his, closing my eyes again. They're as soft as they look, maybe softer, and they mould in to mine perfectly. He instantly kisses me back so that our lips move together but he's more powerful and in control. His hand pressed against my cheek and I feel him rise so that he's taller than me. We break apart and my lips are still puckered to continue the kiss. They feel tingly now that they've touched his lips and I feel them with my finger tips.
'How was that?' He asks me.
I bite down on my lip and meet his eyes. 'Nice,' I frown. I didn't expect to like it. I thought I'd learn how to kiss not how to enjoy kissing.
'Just nice?'
'It lasted two seconds,' I exclaim.
'I can't believe I'm being blackmailed in to cheating on my girlfriend.'
I scoff. 'It's your fault for being in one. If you weren't, I'd have no leverage over you for having sex with Piper's mom.'
'It's my fault for having a girlfriend?' He scowls. I roll my eyes.
'It's your fault for being a disloyal prick.'
'I thought you don't care?'
I bark a laugh. 'If I actually gave a shit I'd be running to Piper or giving you 24 hours to be a man and tell her yourself.'
Jasper nods slowly and I can't help but stare at his lips. They're so red and full I can never deny his attraction.
'You're right. You're just a bitch.'
Jasper places his hands at the back of my neck and leans forwards, pressing his lips to mine again and dominating it again. I let him kiss me the way he wants but it's not long until I want to take it further. I pull away for air and then just as quickly press my lips to his again. He takes my mouth as his own and pulls my head closer by my neck. He kisses me flexuously and sucks the life out of me. I'm so weak that if I were standing my knees would surely buckle because they feel numb even now.
He pulls away to speak. 'You're a good kisser, Cleo,' he admits and plants a chaste kiss on my lips before standing up.
I let out a relieved sigh. I can do it? I can't explain exactly what we do but our lips sort of just dance together.
'Where are you going?' I frown and clutch the hem of his t-shirt.
He stars down at my hand on his t-shirt and sighs. 'You're paranoid, too. I just don't want to sit.'
'Oh,' I relax and let go of his top.
'You're a quick learner, you know.'
My eyes widen and I stand up so that our fronts are only centimetres apart. 'Really? Can we do that again then?'
Jasper nods slowly and I can tell he's fighting a smirk. 'Did you enjoy that?'
Kissing him really did excite me and I'd be lying if said it didn't arise any strange feelings. My mouth seems to react all on its own as soon as his lips meet mine. It's like theirs this pull. 'I did enjoy it,' I say honestly. 'More than I expected.'
'You seem to be going through a revelation.'
'I am,' I meet his merciless blue gaze. 'I just had my first kiss.'
'No,' he shakes his head. 'You just wasted your first kiss. You could've made Richard fall for you and do all these things with him.'
'I don't need to hear this, okay? I don't care about who takes my first kiss, first anything. Why does it even bother you?'
'Because!' he snaps. 'What if when you start feeling shit you regret it? I'm not the type to preach and it's actually quite hypocritical,' he chuckles to himself. 'But your body isn't something you offer because you want someone to face you.'
This just all sounds so ridiculous to me. 'So you don't want to do this because you want to treat your body like a temple, so to speak?' I scoff.
He rolls his eyes and groans aloud. 'No and you're completely missing the point. Just think about it before you jump in to it.'
'I have thought about it,' I push his chest lightly. 'I do not give a single fuck. I'm not that girl and I never will be.'
'Fine,' he says in a tough tone. 'Just remember that you might regret this.'
'Dually noted, pussy,' I say sarcastically.
'Fuck you,' his hand snaps to my wrist. 'Are you going to kiss me or not?' I bark. It's not like me to lose my cool but this guy is seriously trying to convince the wrong girl.
He sighs and his expression falls flat. 'Yes, but this time I want you to control the kiss. I'm not going to do it for you.'
His breath is minty and it fans across my face, making me shudder. He's so attractive and it's not fair. That smooth golden skin and the tousled hair. I could just touch him everywhere and it would be rewarding.
'Okay,' I agree and place my hands at the back of his neck the way his did with me.
Jasper licks his lips and my own tongue darted out, making my lips moist. Just he sight of his wet red lips is making me more excited. 'I'm going to copy what you did,' I tell him.
His eyes become low and he places his hands on my hips. I pull his head down so that I can reach and I press my lips against his. You'd think it'd be awkward controlling a kiss when the other party is taller than you but it's not awkward at all. It feels good. This time it's better because our lips are soft and moist. Our eyes close and I continue to dominate the kiss.
I apply more pressure than last time and he reciprocates but doesn't go further than that. My mouth tingles with sensation and my insides shift. I'm so excited and it gets the better of me as I part my lips and he instinctively opens his too. Just as our lips touch, I let out my tongue and as it enters his hot mouth, I flick it up. His mouth is hot and wet and it's driving me crazy. His tongue plays with mine and my mouth tingles with electricity, heightened by his responsiveness. His tongue enters my mouth, too and we continue to kiss. All thoughts of breathing wash away and I only want to deepen the kiss.
His hands tighten around my hips, travelling downward and lifting my thigh. Everywhere he touches, I'm set ablaze and I don't know what he's planning but I trust him ultimately. I lift my left leg, hitching it up to his hip so that he has more access.
Jasper places his hand at the back of my knee and pulls me tighter against him. I feel something hard in jeans and my throat lurches when I identify it as a boner. It sends an impulse throughout my entire body, heightening my elation with fervour.
I feel that pull again, surging between us like electricity.
I moan passes my lips and in to his mouth. The firmness in his jeans becomes more defined and I'm so afraid of this hurdle of sensation flowing in to me. Or is it going out of me? I don't know! I just want more.
Jasper lifts my other legs and I throw my arms around his neck so that he can hold me up. He easily keeps me up and I feel him climb the bed before laying me down. All the while, his mouth is moist and intense and I no longer no who's controlling what. I'm kissing Jasper and he's kissing me and now we're lying down on someone's parents bed, dangerously close to the never-go-back zone.
When we finally pull away for air, I'm panting profusely and so is Jasper. He rests his forehead on my shoulder as we both catch our breaths.
'I forgot to control it,' I say breathily.
He chuckles. 'I forgot to not control it.'
'Kissing is easy then,' I decide. 'And fun,' I grin through pants.
Jasper lifts his head and hovers over me with a grin. 'See you're learning to enjoy yourself. That's an emotion.'
'Yeah,' I drawl out. 'I guess it is.'
'Okay, kiss me again,' he beams and sits up.
'Let me catch my breath,' I protest and weakly slap his knee.
'That was one simple kiss. People don't usually get out of breath until they've fucked. Sometimes not even then.'
'Hmm,' I think to myself and follow his position and shuffle closer so my knees are slightly on his lap. 'That must mean that it was a really good kiss.'
Jaspers lips turn up to a smirk. 'That was your first mind blowing kiss ever. Believe me, you'll meet a lot of those.'
'I think that was pretty good for a first time.'
'Technically that was your third kiss. Or something.'
As I lean forward, a question arises in my mind. 'When are we going to have sex?' I a few inches away from his lips.
Jasper raises an amused brow. 'You want to fuck me?'
I roll my eyes. 'Isn't that the point of this? I just want to know what you've got planned.'
Jasper had a thoughtful expression on his face. 'I guess I'll teach you to kiss casually and comfortable so that you can kiss just about anyone. Then get a little more intimate, then maybe some oral. Lastly, your virginity but that's going to have to wait. People don't usually lose their virginity the same day they have their first kiss.'
'But this isn't a usual case,' my brows knit together.
'Cleo,' he holds my face in his hand. 'You want to be normal. This is about learning not doing. You won't learn anything if I just take your virginity from you. Being in an intimate relationship is more than just putting my dick in you.'
His language is so vulgar that it makes something stir in my stomach. How can he do this to me? In my eighteen years, nobody has ever caused a reaction from me. Just talking to Jasper is an experience.
'That's makes sense. You're a good teacher,' I smirk. Then I frown again. There's been something on my mind and I haven't had the nerve to address it. It must really be bothering me if I don't want to talk about it. 'Jasper. I don't know if Richard finds me erm- pretty.'
Jasper stares at my face and his lips are slightly parted like he's trying to decide what to say. 'Cleo,' he huffs and grimaces at the awkward predicament I seem to have put him in. It's clear that he doesn't really like me so him being pressured to complement must be pushing it.
'You don't need to lie to me. It won't affect me either way,' I shrug.
'It's not that,' he sighs. 'You are pretty. You came to a party in that smoking hot dress but no makeup. Believe me, I dig the no makeup look but even though you're evil, you look as innocent as a baby. And those dimples? Come on, Piper could teach you a thing or two. Plus you're wearing vans. You're not doing yourself any favours.'
Speechless, I peer up at him with wide eyes. 'Good analysis. Maybe I could get Piper to give me a few tips.'
'No,' he glares at me sharply. 'I told you that was one of my conditions. Don't talk to Piper unless you're forced to.'
'Fine,' I give in. 'So you can help me instead? Give me a few fashion tips about what guys like in girls. Or more specifically, Richard. Also you could help me et his attention, you know.'
'But that's more than we negotiated,' he exclaims and his eyes narrow in to slits.
I pull back and send him a glare of my own. 'Did you hear me give you an option? This isn't a negotiation, Jasper. Let's not forget about Mrs Lenore and her perfect little reputation as the Mayor's wife.'
'You're actually messed up,' he sneers at me.
'So they tell me,' I send him a flat expression. I'm messed up, big deal. The moon will still orbit the Earth and the earth will continue to orbit the sun and the only way I'll be of any use is if I'm dead because I'll be contributing to the cause against global warming and all that Green Peace bullshit because humans are what's destroying the earth and there's no need for any of us.
'You sure you were ready to get out of the nuthouse? Forgot your meds this morning?'
'Meds, really? They're absolute bullshit. This is trauma not a fucking mental disease. Anyone who thinks otherwise is brainwashed for thinking money can buy them sanity.'
Jasper falls silent and I climb off the bed with my phone in my hand.
'Don't give me that look like you feel sorry for me. I don't even feel sorry for me.'
'What actually happened to you?' I lean down a kiss him a last time, short and chaste.
I unlock the door and look behind my shoulder at Jasper who looks slightly ruffled from our lesson with the way his hair is more messy than usual. Why do people ask things they know they won't get answers to?
'None of your damn business.'