red hair and a blue hoodie // ed sheeran

Chapter 45 - Hospital Rooms and Barely Breathing

є∂'ѕ ρσν:

I never liked the rain. Bad things always happen when it rains. I lost my car keys on a rainy day. When I was young my dog died on a rainy day. Zo was lying in a hospital bed with burns, cuts and stitches covering her skin on a rainy day.

After the fire, I had woken up in an ambulance, under the watchful gaze of Harry and Sierra. I made eye contact with Harry and I just remember his tight smile as he averted his stare to a body lying next to me on another stretcher. Zo’s face was captured in an oxygen mask as her head wobbled side to side under the sharp turns of the vehicle.

As I gained feeling back in my hand from just waking up, I lifted them to her side, searching until I came into contact with her fingers. I pushed them further as I curled my fingers with hers. I swear in that moment that she grasped my hand back but when we got to the hospital she was snatched away from me and the connection was broken.

After arriving at the hospital, I was pushed up ramp after ramp into a brightly lit observation room where a doctor waited patiently. My wounds were assessed as I sat on the cold bench top. Bandages were wrapped around my arms with one particular slice on my arm having to be glued together. No stitches at all.

But now I sat in front of Zo’s hospital bed, watching over her, capturing her every move encase she tried waking up without me noticing. Harry and Niall were sitting either side of me, as we all sat resting our heads on our hands as we knelt forward with our elbows on our knees. It was torture sitting in that room. I felt so helpless.

Sierra was sitting next to Zo, rubbing the top of her hand with her thumb. From where I was sitting I could see the faint lines that polluted her skin. It killed me to look at them. But with the sun bathing her as it streamed in the window, it was the only thing to look at. They were only worsening. The car accident had provided her with a new array of lines that ran up her arms in crooked lines like a toddler who had accidently picked up a razor instead of a crayon and ran it up Zo’s arm, thinking it was paper.

It could be mistaken as paper – it was so pale.

But from this accident… burn marks could leave blotches of scars that were yet to show their hideous faces. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for all of this. If it weren’t for me she wouldn’t be like this. If it weren’t for me she wouldn’t be in and out of hospital beds. If it weren’t for me she wouldn’t have gotten in the car crash. If it weren’t for me she wouldn’t be blind.

“Ed?” A hand was placed on my shoulder, snapping me out of my mental abuse session. I angled my head to my right and was met with the ocean eyes of Niall. 

“Mmm?” I hummed in response.

“You were shaking like a leaf mate.” Niall.

“You were starting to scare me too, lad.” Harry.

“Oh,” I pushed myself up against the back of my chair as I started picking at my nails, looking down in my lap. “Sorry guys.”

“Don’t be sorry Ed.” Niall spoke as Harry grabbed my knee, giving it a tight squeeze. “You’re freaking out. We understand.”

No you don’t. How could you possibly understand? Just because you know the back story doesn’t mean you understand how I feel. Don’t feel sorry for me. How dare you try and relate.

So many thoughts, so many retorts. I felt my toes curl as I wanted to just run and leave this cold room. But I knew I couldn’t. I just kept watching Zo, praying that she would open her lids. I prayed that when she opened them… she would be able to look at me too. But I knew that would never happen again. I watched her hand as Sierra rubbed over it with her thumb, ever so slowly. I wanted to be the one touching her, the one comforting her.

“Ed?” A hand was placed on my knee, followed by an assuring squeeze. I followed the arm up to find Harry. 

“Yeah?” I responded, rather half-heartedly. 

“I said Niall, Sierra and me are going to go get something to eat. Do you want us to get you anything?” 

I thought about the possibility of food in my stomach. It was bubbling like an unstirred pot of soup at the moment… Imagine it with food. “No… I’ll be alright.” I finished with a tight smile. Harry returned the smile as he stood up and made his way over to Sierra to collect her from the chair. I felt a hot breath against my neck but I didn’t move. 

“She will wake up Ed.” Niall. I turned to face him but when I did; he was walking out the door, followed closely by Harry and Sierra. The door hitched closed behind them and I was left alone with Zo. With everyone gone, I felt more confident, so confident that I stood and made my way over to the seat that Sierra had left empty on her departure. Walking over, I kept my eyes on Zo. She didn’t move an inch. I reached the chair and sat down on the soft fabric.  My eyes still didn’t leave her body. She was so still…

I placed my hand next to hers on the bed, waiting expectantly – for what? Did I expect her to feel my presence and grab hold of my hand for dear life? Did I expect her to slap me in the face and scream absurdities at me? While my head played a game of mental fuck-you, my hand slid closer and closer to hers. At the slightest touch of her skin on mine, I stopped. My gaze switched their attention to the sometimes tiny but mostly large and thick pale lines that littered her skin. My wide spread hand moulded into a single finger and began to move again, towards the damaged flesh.

I grazed the tip of my finger over the scar tissue, waiting for a reaction.

Nothing.

I moved my finger again, more surely now, over her skin, dragging it softly over. The skin on her forearm was smooth and gentle but moving my hand down past her wrist and onto her hand… The scars became course and jagged. My eyes became glassy as I imagined the pain that each and every single one of these scars would have caused her when they were inflicted. My poor Zo… I moved my eyes up to her face.

Her hair was fanned around her head in waves of chestnut that reached past her shoulders, her freckles and… burn marks were more prominent with her skin being so pale and she had lost weight. The bones at her shoulders and her elbows were more noticeable. 

“Ed?” A voice sounded from behind me. I turned around and found Harry standing with Niall at his left against the wall with Sierra gripping his right hand. Her eyes were on Zo as I squeezed her hand tightly in my own, feeling the damaged skin underneath. Niall kept his eyes on his shoes, hands in his pockets but Harry looked straight at me, with a sad look in his eyes.

“We have to go lad. Visiting hours are up.”

I gave Zo one last look. Her chest rose up and down slowly. Before I knew it I had my face above hers. I pushed my lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss.

“I’ll be back soon beautiful. Don’t wake up without me.”

a/n:

sorry for taking so long to update loves
been having a rough week
ran away from home last night
and then i got in trouble by my parents for doing so
gotta love verbal abuse

anyway,
hope you liked the chapter

vote, fan, share, comment my little turtle

kisses from me,
xxx