Shimmering Love [Renamed as Captivating Illusions]

6. The Turmoil Within

Manha continued watching the ants.

It wasn’t as if she didn’t know the complexities of life. She knew them insideout and out. She knew that in this messed up world that she was living in, she was blessed to have a mind that thought the way it did, clarity that didn’t get corrupted, feelings that were right in their place, and blessings she knew most were not granted; and yet, she desired something a little more in the life she was currently living.

She desired serenity.

Her gaze strayed towards the room where her mother and little brother were preparing to go meet some mystic. She had prayed her fajr, but they had not even made wudu yet.

Manha bit her lower lip, heaviness settling in her chest. Her family wasn’t of the practicing kind—never had been.

Of course they prayed most of the prayers, fasted, and gave zakah, but they didn’t pray five times a day. They most definitely didn’t cover up in front of whom they had to cover up. They had adopted a lot of Indian rituals that went against the fundamental teachings of Islaam. They had even gone as far as setting intermediaries between their Lord and themselves. Why need a man to talk to Him when He claims to love us all? Why need a middle person when He says He listens to all those who call out to Him? Did that not mean doubting His love? Doubting His words?

She had tried explaining the misguided notions they held dear, but her words had fallen on deaf ears. She had not succeeded in making them understand that no human knew what was to happen in future and was doing nothing but deceiving them for money for all that he claimed he knew. Celebrations and practices that had no place in Islaam also started taking roots in her family, refusing staunchly to be uprooted.

The order of her mother’s priorities—Manha felt that they, too, were wrong. She wanted her mother to love the Lord and His Prophet more than her relatives.

“You mean to say I have to abandon my people completely?” Her mother had bursted out one day.

“It’s not like that, Ma.” Manha had clarified. “Of course, it is important to maintain ties—very important in fact—but not at the cost of displeasing our Maker. He should always be number One on our priority list. His likes and dislikes have to be considered before anything else, because where would we end up, Ma, if we spend our entire lives trying to fit in the crowd and pleasing our relatives without considering what He wants from us? Won’t our good deeds be landing in leaky buckets? I am not telling you to shun your relatives. I am only telling you to shun these meaningless rituals that directly go against our faith. We would not be able to bear with it if He ends up being angry with us.”

“Allaah is Ar-Raheem, The Most -Merciful. If what we do is good, He is going to accept it. If not, He would disregard it. Either way, I don’t think it’s going to harm me.” Her mother had so easily dismissed.

She had wanted to grab her hair in frustration then and every other time she confronted her. Her family’s basics were heavily influenced by the culture of their country leaving her heartbroken and dissatisfied every time she tried to voice the truth. There was a feeling of floating on a plank in the vast ocean with no surety to reach the shore.

It was in times such as these where envy filled her beyond comparison. She thought of all the revert stories she had heard and read, feeling a kind of longing fill up her aching chest.

Manha had a theory that the reverts had more taqwah than the people who had been following Islaam for generations together. They had felt Allaah’s power, had enquired it all, had felt and seen the signs before they embraced Islaam out of their own will, hadn’t they? They did not blindly do what they had seen their ancestors do like most traditional Muslims. It was not monkey see, monkey do like some ignorant believers. They loved Him the way He deserved to be loved, feared Him when they did wrong, and had endless hope in His mercy. They were conscious of Him. They had firm conviction that He would not do them wrong.