Apart

Chapter 8

I wake up by the sound of Marshall's voice.

"Wake up mommy." He almost whisper in his daddy voice and I can feel Deshaun crawl on the bed. "Come on buddy, wake up mommy." I now feel Deshaun touch my face and I open my eyes and look at Deshaun.

"Good morning baby." I say smiling and Deshaun smiles back with this big baby smile. I take him and cuddle him into me, I enjoy that I can still do that because I know someday he doesn't have the patience to lay still. I look at Marshall who stands down at the end of the bed. "What time is it?"

"Ehh about 8." He says as he looks at his watch. Deshaun now reach out for him and that mostly means that Deshaun wants him down in the bed with us. Marshall lays down next to us in the bed and hold Deshaun's hand as he still cuddles into me.
Marshall just looks at me and I'm so close to crying right now because it's so nice to have him lie here next to us. "So what are we doing for this Christmas?"

"I was thinking you could have Deshaun then you could spend the Christmas with Kim and the girls." I suggest as I know we use to spend the Christmas with Kim, this year I just won't be a part of it. I think that Deshaun should have a real Christmas and not one where he's stuck home with his single alone mom.

"Then what are you gonna do?" Marshall asks.

"Be here at home."

"You don't wanna be a part of his first Christmas?" Marshall sounds confused.

"Yes but it'll be more fun for him to spend the Christmas with you guys."

"Why aren't you spending the Christmas with us?" He asks. Did he just suggest that?

"You wouldn't mind?" I ask confused.

"Would I ask you if I did?"

"Thank you.. really." I say and I'm so grateful that I begin to cry. Marshall puts his hand on my cheek and remove my tears with his thumb but it only makes me cry more. I just realize now how much I miss him and how much I've fucked up. I thought that I made my peace with it and I was done feeling like this, but now that he lays here next to me then it becomes once again clear to me how much I miss being a family with him.

"Why are you crying?" He asks softly.

"I just hate myself for fucking things up between us." I cry.

"Don't cry Christina, you know I don't like that shit." He says as he nuzzles my cheek. I turn my head into his hand and kiss the palm of his hand.

"I'm so so sorry Marshall." I cry.

"I know you are." He says and he now kisses me. This feeling! It feels so good to feel his lips on mine like this, the kiss is so soft and our tongues dance around each other slowly. It's different than last time, I can't explain how but it just is. Just when I enjoy it the most, Deshaun sticks his hands between us and pulls Marshall's chin.

"What are you doing you little butt?" Marshall chuckles.

"Omg you totally ruined my moment with dad." I laugh still with tears in my eyes. I look at Marshall and Deshaun and Marshall pretends like he eats Deshaun's hands which Deshaun laughs like crazy about. I'm so filled up with happiness every time I watch the two of them play like this. Marshall looks at me all of the sudden.

"I wish I could trust you." He says.

"Me too." I sigh. "But you gotta stop being mad every time I get a new male friend or something like that."

"I can't control it Christina." He sighs and lays on his back.

"I don't wanna know how you would react if I actually got serious with a guy." I say honestly.