My Forever (OLD)

Two: An Uncertain Future

“You’re serious?” I looked back and forth, between the two of them.

My mother stood up quickly, grabbing the mysterious manila envelope I had seen them cart around, and then plopped it down right in front of me. I opened it, slowly, not sure how I felt about this intervention.

I was surprised to find information and brochures on every facet of the military, not solely the army; the reserves, the National Guard, the navy, even the air force.

“The last thing I would want to do is lose you to some war in the Middle East,” my mother spoke then, “but you know your father came from a military family, and we see a lot of honor in fighting for our country, so we support it.” She smiled back at me then. “Now, all you have to do is your homework.”

I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed. “May I be excused?”

“Sure honey, I know this is a lot to digest,” my mother replied softly as I slid my chair back and exited the room with the manila folder. I ran up the stairs and into my room, closing the door behind me. I dropped the manila folder on my desk without a second glance. I honestly wasn’t 100% sure how I felt about their suggestion. I mean, sure, I had toyed with the idea of joining the military after what had happened with Bo. I had forgotten how fixated on that dream I had become.

When Madalynne’s brother Mason passed away two years ago while on deployment, it halted my plans; I knew the dangers of being in the military, and while I had been prepared to face them, Madalynne was not as prepared to let me.

I had always looked up to Mason, almost like a brother. He was the closest thing I had to it after I lost Bo. His passing was rough on the both of us, his sister and me...but especially her. I noticed the light she carried, dim; her happiness and joy stolen. And it was just the beginning of her parents’ marital problems.

I had been dating Madalynne Johnson for three and a half years now, the idea of leaving her alone, to deal with her parents crap, especially after all that we had been through, was unappealing to say the least.

I know I didn’t show it enough, but Madalynne meant the world to me. She had been there for me in my darkest hours, and I owed my life to her. She never knew the extent to which she changed and touched my life, but I wanted to make sure she never went a day questioning my love or feelings for her, it was the least I could do for her.

There was only one other person I felt like I could share myself entirely with, her name was Jacqueline Blunt. I had never met her in person, but I had begun an internet friendship with her in middle school, shortly after my brother Bo, committed suicide. I was only 13 years old at the time and I was never the same. I was the one who had found him. I had come home from school one day and had gone into the bathroom, only to find him hanging from the ceiling in the tub.

That day will haunt me for the rest of my life. In the beginning the screams were echoing so loud and hard, I didn’t realize it was actually me screaming. When I finally willed my legs to move I ran around the house frantically searching for something to cut him down. When I finally cut him loose, he fell to the floor in a lifeless heap. I just held him there, crying, cursing at him, and asking him why he left me. His body was blue, so incredibly blue.

He was only two years older than me. I wondered what could have been so terrible that he would have wanted to take his own life. I blamed myself for not being able to prevent it, to see the signs.

Bo had even left a suicide letter; one that will be etched into my brain forever. He wrote of his struggles with his sexuality. He wrote of the torment his peers had put him through. Things he had kept hidden for far too long. He wrote of the bullies that in his heart pushed him to this decision.