Still The One

Twenty-Four

Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but a sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile. – John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

 

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Twenty-Four
One year ago – January 16, 2017

Some new song that I didn’t care for was playing on the radio. The heavy downpour earlier had subsided to a light drizzle. And the last thing I could hear was the sound of my tires splashing against the wet roadway. There was a bit of traffic, an element I was thoroughly appreciative about. But I wasn’t too grateful for the weather; I was getting a bit sick of the rain.

Three days ago, I ran into Harry. For the past seventy-two hours, he had consumed my entire being. I no longer thought of the lies or the appalling things he had said to me. All I could think about were the good memories; when we first met, the autumn formal we went to together, the day he told me he loved me, any possible moment in between. I indisputably could not stop thinking of Harry.

Had I known that seeing him again would rekindle these feelings, I might have stayed home instead of going to the grocery store. But I couldn’t prevent how wistful it had made me. Missing Harry was a soreness that refused to lull. One night, I hadn’t slept a wink; the torment was that bad. Where softening dreams should have taken place, memories had dominantly seized.

I reached my flat, drenched the Welcome mat with my umbrella, and saw Aiden speaking with Luke at the lobby desk. From the grins on their faces and the loudness of their laughter, they seemed to be enjoying whatever their chat was about. My neighbor smiled immediately upon my arrival. “Hey, Alice.”

“Hi, how’s everything goin’?” I asked, taking off my bulky raincoat. My long, ebony hair was tangled beneath my beanie, so I began to stroke my fingers judiciously through the disordered strands.

Aiden quickly replied, “I’m gonna go get, um, something from the back room.” He left his station and deserted us, and I felt a tad confused watching him leave so suddenly.

“Good,” Luke stated, continuing our conversation. “But Alice, I was just wondering if you’d like to go out for dinner this Friday night?”

Of course, I thought, that was why Aiden had walked away. And now it was also reason for why my face felt like it was on fire. I didn’t need to bring my hands to my cheeks to feel the warm, blossom glow.

He surely caught me off guard, we barely knew each other. I couldn’t remember the last time I had even spoken to him. Luke was unprecedentedly good-looking, with his thick, fawn hair and crystalline eyes. He was also warm, witty and winning. But I couldn’t.

“Um, I’m sorry. I have to say no,” I mumbled shyly, unable to look him straight in the eye.