The Double Life Of Kyle Masters

Chapter 5

"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.  It cannot be changed without changing our thinking."
    -Albert Einstein

"Get that yard in, Masters!" The coach aka my father yells from across the field.

It's really stressing when he does that but I don't even mind anymore considering the fact that on the field is the only time he talks or more like yells at me.

But, how does he even expect me to be gaining that yard on a half breath anyway?

I mean, for Christ sake, the man just made me run ten laps around the field for being late plus the few miles I had to practically sprint in order to attempt to make it here on time.

"Get your head in the game." He orders.

"Yes, sir." I mutter.

The heat, heavy gear and loss of breath are nothing compared to the emotional state I'm in.

That's where my head is really at.

I never meant anything I've done to her.

Everything had been an accident, from the first time I pushed her to just this morning.

Melissa had asked me a simple question.

Not like I wanted to answer it.

Anything I could of possibly said would of had the same outcome so why would it matter.

Cause you didn't say sorry, you idiot.

Well, it's not like I didn't try.

She was the one who completely blew me off...

The force of the impact knocked the last of my breath from me.

As coach blew the whistle for what had seemed like the millionth time, Adam had helped me up.

"Yo, bro you okay. It's like you weren't even there."

"Uh, Yea I'm good." He tapped the back of my helmet in a respectful kind of manner.

"Ok, practice over."

Nearly an hour later, I was home, showered, fed by myself, and doing my homework laying on the bed in my room.

Well, only one part of that is a lie.

I was really looking at Steinhardt's department for Arts and Music.

All my father thinks is that I'll go to Ohio, or some other state to join some college on a football scholarship.

Sad, he doesn't seem to know his only child.

Vic

As I look toward the Music sections her name continues to pop in my head at every single moment.

If it hadn't been for the diary she dropped, I don't think I would of figured out how much of an impact I've had in her life.

Not talking about a good one either.

Ever since this afternoon, a guilty feeling has been creeping its way into my mind.

I continue to scroll through some of Steinhardt's music classes for this upcoming year.

I had already filled out the application months ago.

Calling it a night, I turning off the computer and lamp light.

How would my father feel about me moving across the entire country?

What am I saying?

Why would he even care?

Why would I even care?

All I've ever wanted to do is to follow in the foot steps of my mothers dream so dearly crushed by the earth shattering news of a child at 17.

..... Sir.... Sir.. Are you okay?..... Hey...  keep looking at me okay.... Sir....

The officer keeps calling out to me,  but I understand little of what he is saying.

There's a name at the back of my throat, I want to call it out so badly. 

But.....

I can't....

My head feels light and the world feels like its turned upside down.

One question........

One question lurks at the back of my mind.

Why am I in the driver's seat?

Sweat drenches my face the minute I wake up.

Dreams.

Oh, how they trap you in a world you would rather not be in.

I turn towards the alarm clock.

One minute before it goes off.

How fantastic.

I reset it and go take a shower.

It comes to me like a truck that I actually have to go school, that I  have to see her again.

After her outbust, I just don't know how to respond.

Truthfully, I really don't know how she feels.  I've never really been a victim of any anything other than long term grief and overwhelming pressure.

The drive to school was a painful and agonizing one.

What is it that I want?

What do I want to do?

I see her, walking cautiously down the halls.

Head down, braced for anything. Students in the hall look down on her, muttering-god knows what.

I did that.

I did that to her.

All because I had allowed life to slip right by me like the stupid teenager I am.

No more.

I want to understand.

Understand the pain I had caused her.

I want this to change.

I want to change it.

No, I am going to change it.

I'm going to stop this.

And I know exactly how.