Not For Show

Chapter 7 - " do you still love her?"

Kian was a happy kid. I wanted him to continue being that kind of boy. If there was one thing I never wanted him to go through was what I went through as a kid. I never wanted him to witness any sort of violence in his home. I never wanted him to hear any sort of fighting between Lia and I. I didn't want him to make any decisions based on what he saw or heard.

When I left the house, I made sure he knew that nothing would change. I just wouldn't be sleeping in the same home as his mom. I tried my best to explain the whole separating situation as best I could. I compared it to some of his friends who had divorced parents. He didn't want to accept it. For the first time, I saw him cry over something that emotionally hurt him. It broke my heart but it had to be done.

As I watched Kian slide down the play ground slide, I noticed that he kept looking around. I knew he was waiting for his new friend. I sat there waiting for Cailin. I was anxious. I was probably scared she wouldn't show up.

In my mind, I felt like she never forgave me for all the crap I put her through. She said she had but I knew that I had hurt her so deep that it will always be in her eyes.

A couple of minutes later, I saw Kian interact with his little blonde friend, Roy, by the swings. As soon as I saw her, I looked around searching for Cailin. My heart was racing in excitement. But when I saw that it was her nanny that had brought her, I became disappointed. The nanny stood a couple feet away from me as she watched the kids.

" she didn't come?" I asked loud enough for her to hear me.

" no" she shook her head with a half smile.

I sighed.

Of course she didn't come. Why would she? She probably wanted nothing to do with me. She only let Roy come play with Kian because they are kids.

" do you still love her?" the girl asked.

I looked up at her with confusion.

" you guys were together years ago, yet you still look at her like you never stopped loving her. So do you?" she asked.

I smiled at what she said. Had it been so obvious for everyone to see?

" yeah, I do" I confessed.

" she's at the coffee shop just down the street" the nanny said.

I quickly jumped to me feet wanting to go wherever Cailin was. But then I looked at Kian. I couldn't leave him here.

" I'll take care of him" the girl said.

I shook my head. I didn't really trust Kian with anyone other than Lia and myself. One of the many reason I never had a nanny for him.

" Cailin trusts me" she nodded.

That little sentence for some reason changed everything I was thinking about concerning Kian. If Cailin trusted the girl with her little girl, I could trust her with Kian.

" thank you" I said.

" it's Chloe, by the way" she said.

" thank you Chloe" I smiled before leaving the park.

*

" one large hot coffee with almond milk and a hazelnut shot, please" I said to the barista behind the counter.

" name?" he asked.

" Cai" I said as he wrote it down on the cup.

I payed for my drink and sat down waiting for it. All I could think about was Roy with Harry and Kian. Were they having fun? Was Harry upset that I hadn't shown up? Did he hate her for it? 

I took a sip of my hot coffee and just sat there. I waited. I waited for absolutely nothing. I wasn't expecting anything or anyone. I guess I waited for time to pass by.

" avoiding me?' I heard from behind me.

I turned around only to see Harry standing there.

" that's not what I intended" I lied.

" it's okay," he smiled as he took a seat in front of me. " I don't blame you"

" it's just a lot to soak in all at once" I confessed.

" I understand" he nodded.

Looking at him now brought back so many good memories. The calm moments of our relationship. They were rare, but they were still there. His smile made butterflies flutter in my stomach.

" I guess I just can't stay away from you" he said.

" stop" I blushed with a smile.

There was silence for about a minute as we looked at each other.

" Jess told me" I said.

" told you what?" he asked casually.

" about Lia"

His smile completely disappeared.

" I'm so sorry, you don't deserve it" I said to him trying to keep him from putting up a wall against me.

" funny thing is, I deserve it all" he sarcastically chuckled.

" not after you've been such a good father to your son" I said.

" thanks" Harry half smiled.

We went on to talk about his solo music career and how well it had gone. He told me about his Grammy performance. I listen to him rave about it and tell me every detail about it, as if I had never watched it. When in reality, I had watched about a thousand times. I was so proud of him in that moment. It was a big deal for him, so it was a big deal for me.

He asked about my music, and where I was headed. i told him that I had been writing and recording all these years, preparing myself for my comeback album when I decided that I was ready. I would be announcing my album in two days on Ellen. He seemed excited for me which made me only more excited. 

" I'm sorry, Cailin" Harry said.

" not this again" I shook my head with a smile trying to avoid this whole topic.

The last thing I wanted was to start talking about the past and everything that he had put me through. After all, I had already forgiven him.

" I'm apologizing for something else" he said.

I looked at him confused.

" I'm sorry for ignoring your calls after the last time we saw each other" he said.

I looked at him painfully remembering that time. 

I had just found out that I was pregnant. I had taken a pregnancy test at home and then had gone to a doctor to be absolutely sure. Everything was positive. I knew I had to tell Harry. Lia was pregnant and then so was I. I called him about a million times, but with no answer. He was ignoring my calls. He wanted nothing to do with me.

When he changed his number, I had felt like I was officially alone. In that moment, I knew that my little girl was going to grow up without a father.

" I didn't answer your calls because I was afraid that if I did, I was capable of leaving my son behind" he confessed.

" that wasn't my intention" I said.

I sat there for the remainder of our interaction imagining what our life could have been like if he had answered one of my calls telling him that I was pregnant as well. Could have been together again, as a happy family? Would Roy have the father she deserves?

What Harry didn't realize is that by not answering my calls, he ended up abandoning his daughter. I wondered if I'd ever have the courage to tell him the truth.