POETIC JUSTICE | #Wattys2016

ASAMI AND SID: A CONVERSATION

"hello, you have reached asami tanaka. i can't pick up your call right now, but please leave your name and a message and i'll call you right back. thank you!"

"hey, sam, it's sid. so i know you're either at that art place or at home right now, probably on the phone with addie, which is — that's good, you know, i'm not trying to be mean or anything. i'm- i'm happy for you, okay? i want you to know that i'm happy for you. i never got the chance to meet addie, for better or for worse, but she must be really great to have a girl as beautiful, and cool—a girl as great as you to love her so much. i'm just jealous, you know? i don't hate her, or anything, that'd be stupid. just jealous.

so yeah, i just want to — i, uh, i did something really, really bad, and stupid to myself, okay, and i don't think — God, i can't talk, it feels like my tongue is cement — okay, i did something and i don't think i'm gonna be, you know, alright afterwards, but i, uh, wanted to give you some context in case, you know, you care, or something.

he didn't like me. that guy, he just — he has a girlfriend, asami. we went together to see his girlfriend's play. he literally just liked my hat. not me. which is no big deal, i don't care about — about how guys feel about me, it's just — i made this bet, with myself, and it's so stupid, but it was — if i could find one person, just one person, who liked me as much as i liked them, i would live. all i needed was one. but if i didn't, i would — i, um, would not live. i would kill myself.

this isn't the only reason, i just — this isn't even a reason, i just wanted to tell you, so you didn't think it was because of you. i mean, i love you, asami, you're the best thing — the best thing that's ever happened to me. you are everything i could have ever wanted and more. but you didn't make me want to kill myself.

i mean, maybe you did, a little bit, once, when i was feeling rejected and sick and awful but mostly you made me want to live, you know? live, and see you, and be around you everyday. you didn't do anything wrong, okay, no matter what everyone tells you.

i'm just — i'm sick of feeling underwater all the time? that's the only way i can put it. i'm sick of knowing that i can't do anything really right — really right, asami, you know what i mean, knowing five languages isn't knowing anything — i can't even find the right words to say how i feel — and that i can't change that, and that i can't make me the person i want to be. i don't want to be ugly and sad and unproductive and drowning all the time anymore, sam. you gotta — you understand that, yeah? there's gotta be something more outside of life. and if there isn't...at least i'm not here, you know?

and i'm sorry about the hair, sam, i just — i'm an atheist, but who knows what's on the other side until they get there? no one does. if the other side exists, i know where i wanna go, but if i'm being realistic...i just don't wanna make it hurt anymore than it has to.

that's so morbid, God, i'm sorry.

i love you, okay? you and max and my grandpa are the only one's i'll really miss, i swear. i'll miss you forever, asami, and i'm about to see how long forever is.

...

hey, i don't wanna turn off the phone yet, are you still the—you're not there, i know that, but i can't — stay with me, okay? i'm really, really tired, but i'm — i'm too scared to go to sleep. i wish i hadn't — i shouldn't have taken so many, i thought it would go quicker, but i've been here for an hour and a half and nothing's really...nothing's really changing...i'm gonna lie down for a bit, okay? i don't think these pills are working. call me when you get this.