Starless Skies #MentalIllness

Cuatro

Dear Diary,

Hope. It is a strong word, strong emotion. Also something, that I am starting to loose.

I remember when I was young. I was so carefree, so happy. So. . .hopeful. And now it seems like its all lost. Its like all the Hope that was in my body, is slowly leaving it. Evaporating away in the thin air. Not ready to come back, no matter how hard I want it to.

And I really want it to. I want to feel how it is like to be hopeful. Hopeful of my future, of myself, of me. But it's never happening. Its all lost. Everything, everything is lost.

And it is not only about hope and being hopeful. Its about emotions really. I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I am tired of feeling sad and depressed, all the time. I am tired of feeling lost, feeling like I don't matter. I am just tired.

I want to feel how it is like, to be cared for, to be attended to, to not have to do everything for everyone and not even getting a thank-you in return. I want to feel what it is like to live, and not just survive. I want to feel what it is like to be happy.

Its sad really, that I don't even remember the last time I was happy. Maybe, it was months ago, maybe years. I have no memory of it.

Maybe I have always been sad and depressed, and I am realizing it only now. Maybe all my happiness, my childhood, my memories, all of it, was an illusion. An illusion to keep me happy for a while, at the least. And now, maybe, the illusion is lost, because of which I am seeing the world for what it really is, a cruel place. A devil's playground.

I don't know how much of this cruelty I can take anymore. I am already losing. I Doubt I will be able to win this. Maybe I have already lost.

Maybe I won't survive this, after all.

Yours sincerely,
Noah

XXSSXX

2 more chapters to go before the ending!! And then the epilogue! But if you want to read the ending before anyone else it is available on Radish as of today for free ;) Just search fittingmisfits or Starless Skies and you will find it! But don't worry I will still update it here on the same schedule Monday and Wednesday till it ends cause i know not all of you have an ios phone :)))

Anddd I have to apologize for this super late update. My computer wasn't connecting to the internet for some reason and I just got it fixed so I could update.

Anywho! I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think the ending would be or what you want it to be. I would love to hear from you! And please vote if you liked it!

Until Wednesday.

All the love, S.