In the Shadows

3 || Alex

I was at home when they announced it on the TV.

I was sitting on my couch, watching my favorite show as usual. Just when the episode was starting to get interesting, an announcement came on.

"Attention all citizens. Attention all citizens. A zombie outbreak has occurred. A zombie outbreak has occurred. Please stay calm, and make your way to any of the following:" said the reporter, listing of the names of cities.

I sit there for several minutes, wondering what to do.

I should leave. Maybe then I'll never see my parents again. I could transition. I could get the surgery--No. This is a zombie apocalypse.

I have to live until the end of the apocalypse. Then I could be myself. People might even see me as a man.

I quickly spring up from the couch, running to my small room. I take my backpack and empty of it of all of my school supplies. I start ripping open drawers, stuffing in any clothes that I like to wear--which is mostly the clothes at the bottom of the drawers. They would be at the top, that is if my parents accepted me for who I was.

A month ago I came out to my parents as transgender female-to-male*, but they started to make excuses. From a young age I had been taking lessons on how to fight--I took martial arts lessons, archery lessons, my dad had even taught me how to use a knife to fight with--and this was one of their excuses.

I think back to when I had came out to my parents.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you," I had told them one day.

"What do you need to tell us?" they both replied, a little worried. Whenever I brought something up it was usually about my grades. They had high standards for me, and would question what happened if I got a B on something. I guess that's Asian parents for you.

"I..." I start, unable to say it.

"What is it? Are you failing?" My mom asked, starting to lecture me about my sister and how she would always get A+'s and took as many AP classes she could a year. Unlike her, I'm not that "smart". I mostly rely on copying others to keep my grade up.

"No..."

"Then what is it?" My dad asked.

"I..." I take a deep breath. "I'm transgender female-to-male. Please use he/him pronouns."

"Your not. Your just confused. It's probably your activities. Do we need to cancel any of them?" My mom had asked me. "Also, there's no way I'm going to use the word "he" for my daughter!"

I had never felt more hurt in my life.

I realize that I have no time to think about my coming out, as I still have more to pack. I rush over to my closet a dig deep in it until I find my chest binder. I hug it. I haven't gotten the chance to wear this in ages!

I change in my room, looking at the mirror. I hate everything about myself.

As I put my binder on, I look at my warm-brown hair. It's pretty much the only thing about myself that I actually somewhat like, even though by now I wish that I had black hair like most Asians seemed to have. The rest of my family had it as far as I knew, so somewhere in the gene pool I probably had someone who wasn't Asian or something like that.

I think my hair color makes me different from most Asians with black hair, and I think I would like my hair better if I wasn't constantly asked what hair dye I used or if I was half-Asian.