It was the start of a new school year when all this took place and I told myself that it would be better to keep it to myself. Thinking that if my dad could leave me, what more of my friends? bandmates? schoolmates? And everyone else who mattered to me, but of all the people that I came to for comfort, only one made me feel whole again. She made me feel like she cared, among others, she was the one who actually stayed up late just to talk to me and try to ease the pain I was feeling. Her name is.. well let's just call her V.
Now, even though we only talk through text or chat most of the time, I still felt like the connection we had was deeper than it seemed but that's the consequence of having a bleeding heart.
A bleeding heart will always look for something to fix itself, but most times we just make it worse. The cut stays open and the bleeding just doesn't seem to stop. That's what happened to me. I mistook her acts of kindness for what I thought was something more. She gave me a helping hand and I saw someone giving me her heart. So I gave mine in return but unfortunately her heart had no room for me. This, ofcourse, only made my present situation even worse. Just when I thought I had someone to be with when I needed them, I didn't. I trusted her to be the one to be there when my father left. I thought we were on the same page. I thought she would keep her word. I thought but didn't think it through. How could I be so stupid.
I mourned my loss. Thirteen years with my father. It was the best thirteen years I've had so far.
And the ten months with the girl that I knew for sure was the one and that I would do anything just to make her happy as much as she made me happy. That ten months that I was lead to believe that my wounds have finally healed. It was all I ever wanted.
I grew up believing life was just like the movies where families never leave each other and they are the only ones who'll be there when everybody else has gone or that the girl you have a crush on will be woth you till death you part. But I learned not to rely on such things.
I felt numb.
I denied the existence of what I was really feeling. For three years it was a cycle of just going to school and trying not to look into her eyes because I know if I do I feel my heart sting and I cringe then my lungs ultimately fail as if they know your intentions. Intentions such as stopping yourself from breathing. It's hard to forget the girl who was there when you needed her most. It's harder to forget the dreams you had of growing old with her and what could have been.
Whoever said that time takes away the pain lied. You can't unlove someone. I am angry and I hate what my father did but he will always be the one I look up to when I was a kid. He was the one I was looking at when I told myself that I'll do good and be a great success someday.
I am torn.
Torn between hating and loving. Trusting and doubting. I am in fear of what could possibly happen now that I know life is not what I thought it was.
I am bleeding.
I was on the edge of falling from grace. I hurt myself to try to make myself used to the pain. I hurt myself because I thought it was all I deserved.
In my whole life. I have never felt so..
Dead.
So this is heart ache?
All the things I can't have is all that I've ever wanted. I can't help but notice the cruelty that this world willingly demonstrates and how it doesn't choose who it's next victim will be.
And who would have thought that victim would be me?
A good friend once told me that I should always look at the bright side of things from a distance. He said that I should take a step back and rather than just see what is happening I should also observe. The best thing you're gonna learn in life is to be patient and always have hope because in the end the only thing you'll be thinking when your eighty years old, sitting on your rocking chair, is what if this? and what if that?
And the biggest regret you'll have is not waiting long enough to see and recieve what you've been waiting for all along.
But then again, here I am three years later, still hoping to hear her call my name.
