“I used to tell you everything,” I sigh in agreement, realising that I didn’t trust him anymore. Maybe it was because I didn’t like how the band ended, how most of the decisions were made behind my back, or maybe it was because of the new band with Mikey that I wasn’t trusted with. “You’re right, I don’t trust you. But you don’t trust me. You didn’t trust me enough to let me know you were ending the band, or that you started a new one. How am I meant to trust you now?”
Gerard looks pretty shocked and I shrug my shoulders until his hand falls off my arm and I walk towards the wall and pick up the brush. I start to paint again, ignoring the feeling of Gerard’s eyes burning in my back. I know he’s shocked, hell I would be too, but I had to tell him. He has no right to just expect my trust after he abused it so badly. I get most of the wall done with Gerard staring at me, but then when I reach the second wall he stops and begins to paint too. Soon we meet in the corner where Book shelf was. We had painted the whole living room in silence. There’s an awkward moment as we stand looking at each other with our paint brushes hanging loosely by our sides but then Gerard breaks the silence.
“I’m sorry,” He says dropping his paint brush, and I watch it land on the covered carpet trying to look anywhere but at Gerard’s face. “Hey, look at me.” I look and his face is filled with regret and sadness, the lines of stress only now being visible. I’ve never noticed them before.
“I’m really sorry, but it was for the best. I can be a dad now, I can watch Bandit grow up and- it’s better this way for me,” Gerard holds up his hand when I go to interrupt, “I realise it’s not better for you. I get it and I can see it. Hell anyone could if they even entered your house, it’s so bare Frank. But I do understand that all this is hard for you, and maybe if you get some more sleep you’ll realise that I did this for my family and not for myself.” I nod at his words but I still feel angry and hurt and I don’t think anything but sleep will help that.
“You paint that room through there and I’ll go get the sleeping pills, okay?” Gerard nods at the wall that has another room behind it. I agreed, and picked up everything I would need, the paint feeling lighter than before. Gerard left with faint mumblings that I couldn’t hear and I remembered the room we had to paint after this one - the kid’s bedroom. If I did that room with Gerard, he would see me crying, he’d see how much I missed my family. But if I did it on my own now, I could cry on my own and nobody would ever know how much it hurt to do.
"I'll be back very soon." I hear Gerard's words as he closes the door behind him. I'm left here alone again. I desperately stare into the door wishing it would immediately open with Gerard standing in the doorway. Or I would rather see my kids standing on the doormat outside this house. I don't call it my home for many reasons. After a while my eyes get tired since the door isn't opening so I decide to paint the kids room. If my kids don't come back...well, at least Bandit will have somewhere nice to sleep if she visits me with Gerard. I grab my brush, something to cover the floors and a bucket of lime green paint. This colour is alive in some way. It reminds me of the times when Jamia, the kids and I went to a huge park with a meadow surrounding a big lake. We always went there for picnics almost every Friday after picking kids up from school. Sometimes Bandit came there with us. And then we'd always - The strong smell of paint interrupts my thoughts. I immediately start painting to take my mind of those memories. The worst thing is that I know it will hurt to think about, but I can't control these thoughts from seeping into my head. Being in this small room makes me feel trapped. I can hear the kids laughing behind me. My body goes numb for a second. My mind goes blank. I turn around so quickly I almost feel my neck snap. I look behind me and there's no one there. But they were here, I know it, I heard them! I run out of this room as fast as I can to see if my kids could be in the living room, but they aren't. I look in the kitchen and glance at the stairs. Nothing. I'm about to walk back and continue painting as I hear my daughter's voice.
"Daddy, you messed up."
Sweat is dripping from my forehead and sticking my hair to my face.
"Please...Please don't be mad at me, I tried." I say so quietly I can barely hear it. My words dissolve in the air. They seem to have no meaning.
"It's your fault, daddy." Cherry's voice is coming out of the kids room again. I ran there to find nothing but the brush and paint I've left there.
"You don't love us, do you?" Lily's words are stuck in my head.
"Of course I love you! All of you! Please don't say these things..." I barely manage to say the last words. I fall to the ground and bury my face in my hands.
"I'm so...sorry..." I say in between breaths. Warm tears are running down my face. I can hear gentle steps of my 3 children on the covers I've lay out on the floor to stop the paint from creating stains. I don't deserve to look at them. I don't want them to see me like this. I want to stop the tears from escaping my eyes but it doesn't happen. I shut my eyes and lay numb on the floor in the empty room. In this empty house.
Chapter 5
Start from the beginning
