Dear Bully (UNEDITED)

26 (Non Diary) P2

Through all the pain and tears that I shed because of him and now Brian, he thinks I'll just forgive him so easily? 

"You really think that after all that you've done to me, I'll just forgive you easily? Do you think I'm some sort of coward?" I shoved him again, as I stepped forward each time I spoke. Tears were falling down rapidly, almost like a waterfall. 

"Do you think I'm scared of you!?" I yelled, as I kept shoving him. My shoves didn't seem to effect him any way, but  Xavier kept stepping backwards each time I stepped forwards, his face was kept neutral with no emotion as he stared down at me, but his eyes were another story. 

"Do you think I'm like some of the girls at this school? Do you think I'm desperate for you?" I shoved him again and his jaw clenched this time. 

"Anjana," He said, and I kept shoving him without saying anything. 

"Do you think I need your stupid apology to go on with my life?" I went to shove him once again when Xavier grabbed my hands, stopping me from doing anything to him.

"Anjana, stop shoving me." He warned through gritted teeth, his eyes burning right into mine. I sobbed and broke down. 

"Do you think I can forgive you for all the hurt you and your stupid friends have caused me?"  I screamed. When Xavier did nothing but just stare, I yanked my hands out of his grip and punched him repeatedly on the chest with my fists. 

I knew it wasn't hurting him as he was just standing there but it made me feel a little better. I just wish he could feel the hurt I always felt. 

I sobbed even harder, knowing that no matter what I did, I would never hurt him. My punches were harder but slower now as I was too busy crying to focus on anything else.  I stopped punching the unmoving Xavier and let my hands hang limply at my sides.

 I was having a hard time breathing and all I wanted to do was get out of there so I went to turn and run away when Xavier suddenly grabbed me and brought me back to his chest again. But this time it felt like it was more for my comfort. 

At first I kind of stopped breathing for a few seconds because I was so so mad at him and wanted to punch him even more..but then I focused on his chest rising up and down, his heartbeat, his breathing, his hand that was rubbing my back and then went up to my hair to pat down...that was all I could focus on, and it...calmed me. 

I sniffled and brought my hands up to clutch his t-shirt in my hands. I buried my face in his chest even more and mumbled heartbrokenly, "I have no-one Xavier...I have no-one.."

I could hear him sigh faintly and he grabbed my shoulders, gently pulling away from me. He dipped his head down to be in eye level with me, and his eyes trailed across my face. I knew I looked like a mess but I didn't say or do anything, I just wanted to be comforted by him again. His warmth. 

"Stop saying that. You do have people." He said and I shook my head, wiping my tears. 

"Who? Who could I possibly have?!" 

"Your family." He immediately stated. That was true, I did have my family. And I loved them for that but they had no idea about what I go through everyday here. I had no one else else to suffer this hell with, outside of home. 

I nodded my head slowly but then shook my head, "They don't know about how I'm treated at school...I never wanted to worry them," I looked up at him, tears pooling in my eyes again and his filled with guilt. "No one else cares about me."  If this wasn't so serious, I would have laughed because I was acting like a baby.

Xavier gritted his teeth in silent fury before his face relaxed. His light brown eyes looked away for a second. 

"You..." He closed his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. 

His eyes opened and he grabbed my upper arms gently, pulling me closer towards him. His serious face and stern eyes that knew I felt like running away, made me stay put. I looked at him through my blurry vision and he brought a hand up to my face, cupping my cheek instantly causing me to flinch at the sudden warmth of his big hand. 

Blinking, my tears escaped and he wiped them away with his thumb, his swirl of milk chocolate-like eyes still gazing into my black ones. He leaned down, bringing his face so close to mine, I could smell the warm fresh mint of his breath and could feel the tip of his nose rubbing slightly against mine. 

He opened his mouth, "I care. I may not show it but I do care. For all the bullying..." Xavier's voice shook and he clenched his jaw, closing his eyes. "...I'm so fucking sorry Anjana, I am. The bullying, targeting you wasn't because I wanted to. It was all a deal. A no good, fucked up deal to get money." 

My heart stopped and the tears threatened to rush out once again. I whispered, "So...I was a deal? You hurt me...for money?" 

Xavier sucked in a sharp breath, "I know..it sounds so fucking stupid--" I shook my head repeatedly, my sobs echoing in the hallway as I tried to push away from him, but he gripped me tighter, almost desperately as his eyes burned into mine and he tried to continue, "--and I know what I did and the consequences of it alright? Anjana, don't leave alright, just let me explain goddamnit."

"Then explain!" I yelled. He leaned back and ran a hand through his hair before looking me straight in the eyes. 

"Brian started the deal." If my heart could crack, it would have right then. "He bet that my friends or I had to be the most cruelest person to the next new girl that came to this school, no matter if she was beautiful or ugly and that he'd pay whoever did it a whole lot of money that I desperately needed to pay for my little brother's school fees. I didn't agree to it at first Anjana...believe it or not, I was a good guy. I just got in trouble for a lot of stupid fucked up things and I was getting suspended and failing everything." 

He paused and I glanced up at his face to see his eyes carefully looking at me, to check if I was still listening and when I didn't say anything except look away to stare at his chest, trying not to break down, he continued, "....anyway, we got into a fight one day and he ended up in hospital. He tried to make me a deal. The psycho who found enjoyment in the pain of others, said that he wouldn't tell anyone and get me expelled this time, which I couldn't let happen, if and only if I agreed to be the bully and said that I couldn't wimp out as he wouldn't give me the money otherwise. So I had to be cruel to the new girl that walked through those doors." 

I breathed in slowly, my whole body shaking. Xavier spoke softly. "And that girl happened to be you." 

Xavier stepped forwards but I quickly stepped back. I lifted my face up to look at his pain-stricken face as his eyes travelled across mine before it turned rigid. "I made a mistake...but that doesn't mean this whole time I never cared about you." He said, his voice rough and deep. 

I scoffed but all of a sudden, it was like my whole body felt heavy. My heart was heavy but this felt different. I brought a hand up to my forehead and everything became blurry. 

The last thing I remember before everything turned black and my body fell backwards, was the feeling of two big arms wrapping themselves around my waist and suddenly feeling light-weight.