My Name Is Dan (Phan AU)

chapter five(and a half)

chapter five(and a half)

TRIGGER WARNING! IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER! (I promise you won't miss anything important if you skip this chapter! Read the Author's Note at the end if you want to know why you wouldn't miss anything! I really don't want to trigger anyone too badly during this chapter! Contains: Suicide and self harm! Please do not read further if you are triggered by either of those! Please please please don't just disregard this warning! It's very important! Thank you for reading!)

I sighed, arriving home and immediately going up to my room, ignoring my mum's greeting. I threw myself onto my bed, tears already splashing onto my black and white comforter.

I hate it. I hate everything. I hate myself, I hate people, I hate life in general. The only people who I don't hate is PJ and Phil. Two people. Out of so many people on this earth, I only like two. And those two are the only ones who might like me.

Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just be normal? I never wanted to be like this.

I want to be normal, or I don't want to be here at all.

I want to be a boy. I want to be an actual boy. I don't want to have the body of a girl and the mind of a boy. It's so frustrating.

Why can't I just be normal?

I clenched my fists a little bit, somewhat shaking.

I want to be able to control my emotions, and I want to be able to control who I am, and I want to be able to control my body and I want to be able to control myself.

I wish I wasn't like this. Everything would be so much simpler if I wasn't a girl. Everything would be so much simpler if I was a boy. Everything would be so much better if I was born in the right body.

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, and stood up, walking around my bed to my bedside table.

Opening up the drawer slowly, I found exactly what I was looking for. There it was, the sharp, shiny piece of metal that I hadn't touched in so long. I reached into the drawer and grabbed it with a weak grip, sitting back down onto my bed afterwards gently, not bothering to close the drawer.

Through my blurry vision due to tear-filled eyes, I stared at the shiny, already blood-stained blade, and brought my knees up to my chest, burying my face into my knees.

Why? Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be like this? Why?

Without any further thought, I scraped the blade across my arm, gently for the first time, and cringed a bit at the stinging. But it oddly enough felt kind of nice. It felt like all of my struggles were being lifted from me.

I could end it all right now. I could escape. One slice in the "wrong place" and I'll be gone.

I brought the blade lower down onto my wrist, slicing my skin once again.

No, I can't. Not yet.

Yes I can.

I didn't think anymore. There was no stopping. Without hesitation, I pushed the blade into my skin, slicing upwards toward me.

My vision began to darken, everything around me become more blurry through my teary eyes.

Within that moment, I was truly, and officially, free.

{▪■▪}

Author's Note: Okay, yes, the chapter update was supposed to go up yesterday. (Two days ago, now, since WattPad is being stubborn!!) BUT I wanted to do a little "April Fools Day" chapter. Don't worry, Dan is fine. The next chapter (chapter six) will continue like this chapter didn't happen. I'm sorry if I made any of you sad! Everybody's fine, don't worry. If you are coming here from the warning at the beginning, the next update is going to be next Thursday! Again, I'm sorry if I hurt anybody's emotions. I warned you.
Anyway, I love you all! Stay rad! Peace out, dorks!
-ary asylum xx