Safety

Chapter 8

The next few seconds seem to happen in slow motion.

I notice black spots beginning to cloud my vision, which refuse to disappear even as I blink. The lightheadedness comes back full force, and suddenly, unpredictably, I feel myself falling.

I don't feel an impact with the ground; the world has already gone dark.

****

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound is annoying and loud, but I can't determine the source. Groggily, I open my eyes, my vision instantly overwhelmed with the color white. Nearly everything is a different shade of white, and the air smells vaguely of rubbing alcohol.

I groan, realizing that I am, in fact, in the hospital. Upon making a noise, I hear a shuffling of feet, and lift my gaze to see Jace sitting down on the edge of the bed. I quickly sit up.

"You should be at school," I croak, my voice dry.

"Not a chance in hell I'd let you wake up alone."

"How'd you even get in here? Isn't it immediate family only?"

"Your parents called and said I was your brother," he laughs, rolling his eyes.

I smile at him.

"Do they know what happened?" I ask. "One second I was fine, and the next- out like a light."

"Well, on top of your lungs still being damaged, the doctors said you exhibit signs of anorexia. You've lost fifteen pounds since this summer, and you were already tiny to begin with, Grace," he says, worry lacing his voice.

"I'm not anorexic!" I defend quickly.

"Not the disorder. Just the symptom; loss of appetite."

"I've been eating fine."

"You don't eat lunch anymore. Or breakfast. And you barely eat dinner. When was the last time you ate, Grace?"

I open my mouth to object, my mind running over the past day- but I quickly realize that he's right.

"I ate a salad last night," I defend weakly. He sighs, grabbing my hand.

"You can't keep up like this, Grace."

"I know. I'll be better," I whimper, laying my head on his chest. Dropping my hand, he wraps his arms around me and holds me to him, carefully, as if he's scared I'll shatter on the floor any second now. We stay like that for a long while.

"They also found cuts. On your hip," he says hesitantly, his voice slicing through the silence like a knife. I pull out of his hold.

"Jace-"

"Are you cutting again?"

"No," I lie fervently.

"Grace-"

He doesn't continue, his eyes boring into mine.

"Sometimes," I whisper after a long silence.

"Grace-"

"I miss him. And I know it's insane, and that I'm crazy, but I do. I miss him. All the time. And it's a fire that burns me all over, all the time. I want him so fucking much. To kiss me. To hold me. To never let me go. I want him with everything that I am," I say, my voice dry. "What the hell is wrong with me that makes it so I still want him?"

Jace looks as if he might cry. Or maybe he is crying. I can't watch him hurt because of me, and I bury my face in my hands.

"Avery broke you in every way a person can be broke. He'll never deserve you, Grace," he says, his voice quiet but fierce. "Don't ever hurt yourself because of him again. He's not worth it. He never was."