Safety

Chapter 3

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Soundtrack

Sad Beautiful Tragic - Taylor Swift
Kiss me, try to fix it
Could you just try to listen?
Hang up, give up
But for the life of us we can't get back

River Lea - Adele
There was something in the water
Now that somethings in me
Oh I can't go back
But the reeds are growing out of my fingertips
I can't go back to the river

***

Thursday evening, I slip into a hot bath. Not warm, but hot.

Hot enough to leave the skin it touches red with fire.

I sigh, twirling my hair around my finger, the strands clumped together and smooth and wet.

I close my eyes, leaning my head on the base of the tub, my mind reeling from the memories that strike me down when I least expect them.

I remember his arms around me in the middle of the night, our legs intertwined and my head on his chest, just listening to the sound of his breathing as he slept. I miss that feeling of safety that I've never found in any place but his embrace.

I can still feel his lips on mine if I try hard enough. The way he tasted of peppermint and sunshine. The way we moved together, and how I know, deep down, that no matter how many others I'm with, I'll never find one who kisses me with the same intensity, the same heat.

I feel him holding me in the rain as I sobbed into him that day he found my locket. He didn't question my tears, or ask what was wrong. He just held me tightly till my eyes were dry, and everything else was wet with rain.

I see him in every storm, every flash of lightening. I see him in everything beautiful, in everything dark.

And I can still feel his fingers digging into my skin. I can still see him tangled in Tessa's embrace, his lips on hers like they'd been on mine.

I remember every tear he caused to fall from my eyes, the way they felt staining my face.

The way he came home from April's grave, when I crawled in bed with him and wished his pain away, because despite everything I knew I still loved him.

The way he kissed me in the woods, my hands pinned over my head, our lips moving in a desperate frenzy, trying to savor each other as long as possible, because we both knew then that flowers die at the first sign of frost.

And I can still feel my voice shaking in my chest as I screamed at him the day my world fell to pieces. The things I said to him still leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

I open my eyes, half expecting to see him standing over me, like he did when I nearly drowned.

Sometimes I wish I would have drowned.

It must be easier than this.

Slowly, I slip beneath the surface of the water, the heat burning my face. I ignore it, blowing bubbles through my nose till I run out of air.

I hold myself under, ignoring the fire in my lungs that screams for air.

But the flames are stronger than me, and suddenly I'm sitting up in the tub, gasping for air, and everything is just as numb as it was before.

Numb. I'm always numb. I don't even cry anymore- I haven't since Trigger. Perhaps I never will again.

After all, what is there to cry for when you've already lost everything?