When it's Over

Part 5

From: Secret >

To: Wes>

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It's already today.

July 24, 2015 at 12:59 AM

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Dear Wes,

In a few hours I'm getting up and heading into my last week of school. I'll avoid looking at myself in the mirror until it's time to cover up the signs of his instability and rage. I'm embarrassed to admit I already have the perfect concealer since last time his mark stayed on my face for over two weeks. I'm going to wake up depressed, mourning for the guy I thought he was and grieving what we could have been. When he tries to make it better with a gift at school and a big show of affection, my depression will turn to disgust—towards him at first, but then at myself for not seeing what he was capable of before I got in too deep.

I know from experience by Wednesday I'm going to be angry. I'm going to be angry that he put his hands on me, angry that I have to be reminded everyday when I cover it up. I'm going to be angry with myself for not having the courage to leave him and angry with the town I've been raised in for leaving me no option but to stay. I'm going to be angry with my mother even though I haven't told her because I already know what she'll say. And all that anger will make me no better than him.

By Friday I will accept that this is my life. I will come to a place where I try to reconcile what I know to be right with the decision I've made by staying. I'll be OK for a while, numb in the "honeymoon phase," as he tries to build my trust again. And by this time next week, I will be on with my life, a little more cautious, a little more depressed, and a little less myself.

You asked about the girl I used to be....but I don't remember her. Sometimes I think she left the second his hand hit my face. At least once of us escaped.....

Night,

Heartbroken