Her Eighth Step

Chapter Sixteen: Ryder Comes Over

I sit in the darkness of my bedroom with my knees up to my chest. The moon shines into my window. I look down over to the side where Ryder had slept after the motorcycle accident. This is what I get for not following the Eight Steps.

            I hear a noise and Dan enters the room without knocking and flings himself on Macey’s bed. She’s not here. She hasn’t been here for two days, and what’s worse is my parents just left a day ago to visit nearby relatives. Dan told me that when Macey came home from Chase’s party there was a huge fight, especially because she was drunk and high off her mind. My mother has lost it. And I think a couple of weeks ago, I wanted that. But now I just want one thing, and that’s not to feel so hurt.

            My phone’s screen lights up. Ryder’s called me a dozen times, and so have Tate and Danielle. I’ve ignored all of them, but I’ve seen Tate’s first text. She took a picture of more graffiti made the morning I woke up at Ryder’s house. I don’t exactly know how Gavin graffitied a wall since he was at home that morning, but I guess he could have done it before the sun came out.

            The doorbell rings and both Dan and I look up. “Are we expecting anyone?” I ask him, glancing at the clock. It’s 1 a.m. Dan shakes his head. As he heads toward the steps, I follow him carefully, a little alarmed.

            “Don’t turn on the lights, just see who it is,” I tell him, nearing the windows. Dan leans over and narrows his eyes at the figure at our door. “Who is it?”

            Without answering, Dan opens the door, and in enters Ryder. My heart stops all at once, and I suddenly wish I hadn’t come down. I’m frozen in place as Ryder looks at me with those vulnerable eyes.

            “Where’ve you been?” he asks quietly, and Dan stands there awkwardly. He quickly excuses himself, shutting the door and moving toward the kitchen. I watch him, unable to answer. “Dawn?”

            When Ryder is answered with silence, he sighs. “I’m going to camp here tonight if that’s okay.”

            I look at him with a confused look. “Um, no you’re not.”

            “Dawn, I have to.”

            “And why’s that?”

            “First of all, because you’re mad at me. And second of all, because your parents are out of town and Chase could stop by any minute.”

            “Chase?”

            Ryder nods. “Ever since the fight with Gavin two nights ago, he’s been threatening us and everyone around him. He’s been looking for Macey, too. Is she here?”

            I shake my head. “We don’t know where she is.”

            Ryder surveys the house. “Gunner and I will be taking shifts here.”

            “Ryder, you don’t have to do that,” I say, but as I say this, I know he won’t listen. He’s just as stubborn as I am. I rub my forehead and shut my eyes. “Just go home, Ryder. You’ve done enough.”

            He steps closer to me and removes my hands off my eyes. Guiltily, he looks at me. “Rosie…”

            I flinch at the name and tear my wrists from his grasp. “Is whatever. I don’t care, Ryder.” I point up the stairs and whisper harshly, “In the closet there is a blanket and sheets. Make yourself at home.” And then I disappear upstairs.

            For the rest of the night, he sleeps in the living room that sits right by the front door and the entrance to the kitchen. I sit in my room longer than I realize, thinking of how he’s downstairs and I’m up here- that my parents would kill us if they knew we kept a boy here overnight. And Gavin’s brother! Maybe I was worse than Macey.

            But more than that, I wish I could just get over the hurt. It’s like my heart is sore and exhausted and I don’t want to feel this way. Tears spring to my eyes like rabbits every time I remember the way I felt when Gavin’s friend mentioned Rosie. God, that Rosie. Even her name sounds so provocative. It makes me so angry that he’d be with her and not with me. I know I kind of promised Gavin that I wouldn’t be mad but…maybe it’s not that I’m mad. Maybe it’s that I knew that something like this would happen.

            Ryder spends the rest of the night in silence. Sometimes I can hear him cough or move the table around so he could make some room for himself, but other than that, it’s like he’s not even here. I can feel his presence though. I wish I could go downstairs and sit in his arms and listen to his soothing voice.

            A couple of times I wonder if I should go downstairs and pretend I need something from the kitchen. But then I reconsider- because if I did that, I don’t know how weak I’d be in front of him. I’ve always called myself tough and careless and free, but right now I feel chained to a boulder thats making me feel like my insides are bleeding.

            I wonder if I’m dreaming – but I swear at one point I hear him stand up and get to the stairs. He just stands there. And I hear my brother crossing the hallway and saying, “Hey, dude. You alright?”

            And I hear Ryder say: “Not really.”

            And my brother goes, “What do you need?”

            There’s a long pause, and I think of the list of things that I need. I need Ryder, and Macey back, and my parents, and a time machine so I can go back to when I was stupid and horrible and blind. But I mostly need Ryder.

            Ryder’s reply is: “Peace. I just need peace.”

            And I swear, that goes for the both of us.

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