Sara's Trilemma

Wild Day

I couldn't come up with an appropriate response. His confession or whatever that was, shifted all the equations of our existing and non-chaotic life. The truth dripping from his deep eyes was making me uncomfortable and confused. It was like a heavy bag of information weighed on my heart. It expected me to be responsible and sensitive enough. Though what did I feel about it?

In whatever light, I couldn't see what I wanted. However I tried changing the direction of thoughts, it met a dead end. Uneasiness was building with every second passing, so was the shadow of disappointment in Kush's demeanor.

"Look, you don't have to answer me now. Hell, I am not expecting anything from you. You be what you are. I won't tell you to reciprocate my feelings. Just that I am confessing that I want to be someone special for you, more than a friend," he spoke calmly, composing himself.

"When did you start to like me?" My voice sounded meek to my ears.

He smiled to himself and lowered his head thinking something. "Since I knew you," he admitted, leaving a lopsided smile on his face.

Again a heaviness rose in my heart. Was I making him miserable all this time?

"I liked you all along, Sara. You were always a special girl."

"What about Disha?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"A compromise. Maybe I tried loving Disha, reminding myself to be practical about my wishes. You were with Viraj at that time. A bright doctor, who was taller, much good-looking than me. How could I compete with that? And then after you two broke up, and you promised yourself to focus on your career. At the same time, I was in serious relationship with Disha. She was amiable, good natured and caring girlfriend, at least at that time. I even thought of proposing her for marriage. Though she was not you, I thought that If I cherish her, love her with all my heart, setting aside my profound feelings towards you, I could create a perfect world for me and Disha. That someday I will be happy in the fact that you were happy, or in love."

I shivered with unknown emotions and looked at my tightly clutched hands. I looked outside to the bustling city. Cars sped from the other side, creating a noise of the chaos. There was a similar chaos within me, not that I didn't doubt about Kush's feelings, though I was not ready to hear that he liked me all along. And Disha was just a compromise. How could that be? How could I be so ignorant?

"Please say something!" he begged, keeping his both hands on mine in a subtle demand.

I sighed, lifted my gaze to meet his, with a tornado of feelings roaring inside of me. I loved Kush, loved with all my heart. But did I love him as something more than a friend? It simply didn't occur me. I opened my mouth to tell him exactly that. Though couldn't gather enough courage to disappoint him, stomp on his heart. He was the only person whom I trusted with all my secrets, even Tanya didn't know about my past life better than him. He stood behind me all my trying times. Life without him was unimaginable.

"Alright. That's it. I take back whatever I said. Don't get distressed!" he mumbled, a tear conjured in his eye, threatening to fall any moment.

"No. Don't say that. I am just stunned and I don't know what I feel about it... about you. I didn't have the slightest idea, Kush. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I managed to speak out.

"I told you. I didn't have a chance. You always had to deal with the problem with your parents. Then Nani died. It was never the right time."

"I understand. I guess I was stupid enough not to see it," I muttered.

We sat there for few more moments, meditating by ourselves. However, I couldn't form any answer to his question. Kushal was an attractive guy, even though I haven't thought about him that way. His hugs and kisses were always friendly and I couldn't find any sexual feel in any of it. Though recently when he started with his flirting or whatever, he made me aware, physically a little, and but consciously a lot more. And my first instinct in such situation was to draw back. I feared that our friendship would be ruined.

I was the one who finally broke the silence. "Kush, will you hate me if I think about it?" I looked in his eyes, asking his permission.

"It's never possible," he mumbled and wiped the tear slipped from the corner of his eye.

"What if, I couldn't make myself to like you like that," I asked gingerly.

He closed his eyes and sighed. "I won't bother you even if you don't feel the same about me."

I leaned in and kissed his cheek, lingering for few seconds, relishing his warmth on my face. He grabbed my loose hair and pulled me closer, touching his forehead on mine. After inhaling a deep breath he let go and tried smiling, though some lines of pain, he couldn't hide from his face. "Thank you, Kush, for understanding me. It's overwhelming and nothing else. I ask the only time." I said in a tone, unfamiliar to me.

"Yes. Okay. Just... I won't bring this up again until you are ready yourself. But..." he paused, raising his finger. "Yes, there is a but here. Wait...hmm... Okay. I am allowed to flirt with you and try to make you see more of my boyfriend side to persuade you... Maybe persuade doesn't sound romantic, I would say...yes... I will do everything in my power to make you like me. It should be fair to me. You agree?"

I chuckled and nodded, as emotions burst out of me. I loved him. Yes, I did. But the question was, in what way?

"So, it's a deal then." He smiled in renounced vigour and started the engine with a roar.

The rest of the day was a wild one, as he clicked some great photographs, had actual fun while we shopped tirelessly. Not only he openly flirted with me, but also teased me, told me to dress up the funny attires from the stores. He then clicked a maddening number of pictures of me. All in all, it was high on the emotional chord.

**I promise you will see Sid soon.. and Kush has now got a license to flirt. The battle is tough for the guys. What say?**