Shade's Paradox

SP - PART 1 Chapter 3 Pain Extant

Part 1, Chapter 3 - Pain Extant
Alana

Sometimes I wake up screaming, tears down my face unable to take air into my lungs. The pain is so drowning. Almost unbearable even though it happened so long ago, it feels as if it just happened; all over again. The over whelming feelings of my heart break slams into my chest, relentlessly. I'm just drowning yet I can still breath.

It's the only way to explain the feelings in my heart after everything happened. It took a huge part of my life, not just once but twice. Pain over took my life and stripped everything I knew from me. Taking me and slamming all the happiness from my life like wind being knocked from your chest.

The pain just keep extending into my life until that's all I felt. Pain was the only main fact that I could always count on, pushing into my life. Knocking on my door, never giving me a minute to breath. Reminding me that it's always there, so damn persistent.

My thoughts chase me until my feet hurt, I can't out run them. Run, run, run. My dreams destroy all my progress, they haunted me. Remembering all that I have lost is something I have to deal with, my mind is my worst enemy. Most days I just never want to wake up. The thoughts kill my sanity.

"Alana!" My name comes crashing into my head, I jerk up. Sucking air into my lungs while my heart slams against my ribs. I look around, frantically. I'm shaking, my mind so scrambled. I feel like I can't breath and my eyes won't focus.

Arms wrap around me screaming my name, attempting to get me to calm down. I can't calm down, where am I? What is going on? Why can't I breath? What's wrong with me?

Hands grab my face, making my eyes focus on them, "Alana, it's okay. Just breath."

My body is still shaking and I realize tears are down my face, shaky breaths are sucking into my lungs. I looks around slightly, "I'm- I'm sorry Mom. I- I don't know what happened." Every word is so shaken and I just stutter.

My mom closes her eyes before she pets my head, "Baby you had another panic attack in your sleep. What were you thinking about when you fell asleep hun?"

Her eyes drill into mine, "Them." It's all I could ever think about was them, some days I am fine and others I just break.

"Oh baby." Was all my mother could say before she engulfs me into a hug. The tears just fall as my body shakes with sobs. My chest hurts from the pain and crying, my lungs burn. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

"Mom, I can't. I can only think of them, I don't want to feel pain thinking of them. I just want to remember their smiles and happiness. Take it away, please. I know it's selfish to ask but please! I don't want to walk around feeling this weight on me from missing them so much. I just want it all too stop. It's not fair!" I cry and cry. It's all I can do, cry. It's so unfair of me to ask her to take it away when I know she can't. I am being a horrible daughter, she probably feels the same and I just make it harder. Never finding peace because I am always here to remind her.

My hands grip onto her shirt hard, I bury my face into her shoulder, "I'm so sorry." My voice is so broken and cracked. Everything in me hurts and I just want to scream out at the world that I hate so much.

I feel my mother chest shake with cries, her grip on me tighten, "It's okay Alana, it's going to be okay."

Sometimes I wonder if that's just a lie to keep me with some hope or she's actually telling the truth.