That Shadow (PHAN)

Part twelve

Phil looked over at me and nudged my shoulder. He obviously didn't see Tyler. I looked back over at Tyler, "Oh I'm um.. fine, it's okay." I raised an eyebrow at him, but he just looked away. He wasn't okay.

We all got back to the apartment at about 11pm. I felt completely awake so I went into the lounge to watch some television, Tyler and Phil trailed in after me and flopped onto the couch on either side of me. I looked over at Tyler and he looked back to normal.

I leaned over a little onto Phil. My side rested up against his side. I could see Tyler out of the corner of my eyes, he was looking at me, but he was frowning. I stretched and his head snapped back towards the television.

It was nearly 2pm when Tyler went to bed. I soon followed and went to my room to get into my pajamas for the night. At this point I knew that Tyler knew that we slept together and it didn't seem as though he cared, but I felt like maybe he might be having mixed feelings.

I went into Phil's room and waited for him. I lay on his bed and was just looking through Tumblr on my phone. Phil then came in and quietly put on a different pair of boxers and an old tee on.

He climbed into bed as I put my phone on the nightstand. I sunk down into the bed under the duvet cover. Phil turned towards the door and I wrapped my arms around him. I nuzzled my chin into his head while Phil held my hand, pulled my hand up into his mouth and kissed it. In return I kissed the top of his head.

I put one hand on top of my own head and it rested lightly upon my own face. I thought about how Tyler had looked earlier at the restaurant. Was he maybe jealous? But how could that be? I didn't quite understand, I knew that wasn't currently in any relationship, but was he really jealous of me and Phil? Did he really want a true boyfriend so bad that he felt threatened by anyone else who had a healthy relationship? Or did he want to be with one of us?

I couldn't bear to think of that anymore. I would probably tell Phil night while Tyler was out at his show in Manchester. I didn't know how I was going to confront Tyler tomorrow. I didn't plan on saying anything to Tyler, but I didn't know if I would be able to keep my worries away from him.

At this point, I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to get up, but was afraid of waking Phil.

It was now 6am and I still hadn't got any sleep. My thoughts had kept me up while Phil slept peacefully in my arms without a care to the world. I moved over and slide to the opposite end of the bed and waited to see if Phil would wake.

I got up and walked into the kitchen and made tea. I heated it up in the microwave instead of using the kettle afraid of waking up Phil or Tyler. I stopped the microwave only 1 second before it would beep. I grabbed out the mug, grabbed the tea bag from the table and went into the lounge.

I didn't turn on the television or even sat on the furniture. I pulled on Phil's bright green sweatshirt that he left on the chair and sunk to the floor with my tea in hand. I was in the corner of the room where the Christmas tree normally sat, but this year we took it down early for Tyler's arrival.

I was thinking back to December and how quickly January came, and now it was already February. Phil and I started to slowly come out to each other starting in mid December.

I sipped my tea, even though it burned my mouth I continued to sip it. My thoughts continued to scramble around in my head. I didn't want to think that my thoughts about Tyler were true, but maybe they were. I finished my tea but continued to sit where I was.

I brought my legs up and put my mug between my legs and chest. I turned my head, it was already 11:47am, but I wasn't surprised that nobody was up. I could feel tears rising up again. I had never cried, but now I felt as though I always was. I didn't know what to think of this anymore.

I let the tears fall and drip onto Phil's sweatshirt. I looked back over at the clock once my vision wasn't blurred anymore, it was almost 1pm. Nobody would probably be up for another hour at least.

I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wasn't going to go back to bed. I decided that if my body really did need to sleep I could do it here even though it was uncomfortable, but I just couldn't face Phil right now.

My eyes closed and my grip loosened on the mug. I would probably wake up before anyone else in an hour or so because of the positioning that I had put myself into. I opened my eyes and scanned the room, but luckily saw no one.

I closed my eyes, and this time I knew that I wouldn't be opening them. My body slumped down a little and my head fell forward onto my knees. I slept and had the dream again, that once again turned into a nightmare.