Me and Older Men : Janie

Two

The locket felt like hot iron between my breasts, every time I moved, jumped or ran. it was like a 24/7 reminder of who gave it to me, even though months had passed, even when Robbie gave me a cheap gold necklace with the letter R as our six month anniversary I didn't took it off. I used to hide it in under the wire of my bra the whole day, letting Robbie's R over my clothes for the world to see but kept my secret near my heart.

Every night in front of my mirror, I would stand naked wearing my precious gift. I would lift it and focus on the bright red heart engraved into my skin and trace how the small swirls on the surface were now over my chest. I liked the cold feeling of the locket nestled between my breasts and sometimes I would lightly pinch my nipples to see them perk up in the reflection. I would sensually play with my hair, bring it down and forward falling in soft curly covering my shoulders. It was the way I wanted him to see me, innocent and tempting it was the way I dreamed every night. I and as soon as I started masturbating  he was the thing I would start touching myself to, thinking about him, moaning and whispering his name, most nights like this I always ended with one hand holding my locket and the other hand caressing intensely between my things.

Life outside my bedroom door seemed normal. School, friends and my boyfriend kept me busy, parties and school activities kept me away from many family gatherings and the occasional dinners. I would beg my parents to leave me behind for the ones I could come up with an excuse with no avail. Those ones I was forced to go I chose my attire carefully, I tried to do my hair perfectly, the possibility of meeting with him made me nauseous with fear and excitement. While everyone had fun, ate and shared funny stories I sat petrified thinking the worse, for the first time in months I would see him, I was sure he would attend and then he didn't and laughed at myself for being stupid.

Only when he did arrived I tried to appear as I was having fun and whenever he got close to where I sat or stood he looked like indifferent towards me or anything I said.

"Remember how little Janie was so attached to you Kent?"

My mother said across the table while we waited for our dinner to be served, "Is so weird that you too weren't together talking or playing those little games she made you play," I saw him shift uncomfortably in his chair I knew he hated the attention but I also did, as the heat crept all the way up to my face, and when our eyes met and we both looked away at the same time everyone else chuckled at our reaction.

"It was like my little Janie had a second dad following him everywhere he went and now they hardly talk." She said as a matter-of-fact, I wanted to say: No one cares mom, stop making me miserable around your friends, but I just sat there awkwardly letting them have their fun.

"I guess our little girl has grown, Miranda." Said my dad taking my hand from under the table and giving it a light squeeze. "She wants nothing to do with old men, she has a boyfriend now, no offence Kenneth." But you are wrong that, I want everything to do with old men my brain screamed at him. I pressed my lips together afraid the words would spill right there.

"None taken," he replied dryly while lifting his wine glass to his lips and downing it in one swing. He now turned his eyes to me smiling, but I noticed something; his smile didn't reach his eyes, they looked dark and scary. While I felt his hot gaze I noticed how heavy and short my breath became, how dry my mouth became, how I felt the place between my legs swell and my breasts harden. I looked away pretending to reach for my water glass still feeling his leering gaze on me. No one took notice on what was happening, everyone turned their attention to the parade of food that was being placed at the table. I got excited on his darkness but still afraid of what would happen.

I played with my food, took a few bites and hid the remaining under my paper napkin. I had to fight myself to not look at him. I had been hungry for him for too long and now I felt anger whenever he looked at me. I counted the minutes until I felt comfortable enough to leave the table and run towards the bathroom making it just in time before the first tear left my eyes and rolled down my cheek. I don't remember how much time I sat there crying in silence. But when I emerge from the bathroom stall I stared at my puffy eyes looking for excuses to give to explain why my hair looked messy and my eyes red.